The Beginning
Definition of mistress from http://www.m-w.com/: "a woman other than his wife with whom a married man has a continuing sexual relationship".
I met Libra the first day I started my new job. He was funny, cocky, had incredible hands (the kind a pianist would notice), and an infectious laugh.
These were my cursory observations alone. I had long given up looking at men, or women for that matter, for any extended length of time or depth. I had stopped looking at people or things with any desire. I didn't deserve anything that I really wanted, so there was no point in wanting or even in looking very hard. I was, on that day by my own account, invisible, dumpy, dowdy, tired and worn.
I hadn't always been that way. When I moved to the state of my current residence about 7 years prior, I was confident, assertive, beautiful, full of life, sexually active, sexually confident. The reason for my move to this state was twofold: the man that I met on the internet who eventually became my husband lived in this state, and I obtained a great job offer here. The move was exciting with all of the new people to meet and places to see. It was bittersweet because I missed my family, and my children who stayed behind for three months while I found a house and got the household in order. Nonetheless, I felt it was a wise move for me, and the adventure for which I had been longing.
Unfortunately, it did not take me long to realize that my new live-in boyfriend had some insecurity issues, and was afraid that I would run off with some other man. My solution, sad as it turned out to be, was to make myself unattractive, fat, and for all intents and purposes, invisible. If you look gross, then no one will pay any attention to you, right? If no one pays any attention to you, then you have no one to run off with, right? It took about a year to ramp up the process to dumpy and from there it got continually worse over the next 6 years or so. On top of that, I found that I had to keep secrets. My boyfriend had been far less promiscuous than I had, or than I assumed (red flag) he had. I could not divulge any of my past sexual encounters because my new boyfriend had an aversion to sluts...and oh I was a slut.
My husband never seemed to notice that over the years I was coming apart at the seams, or if he did notice he never said anything. Neither did he ever treat me any differently. He always looked at me the same way, as if I were the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Never spoke of my weight gain. I could never decide if love was blind, or if he was satisfied that no one would notice me. I did feel very loved, and for that I was thankful.
At any rate, this is the state that I found myself in on the first day of my new job when I encountered Libra. Looking back now, it horrifies me to think of how I looked coming to work everyday. No make-up. Hair undone. Dumpy (that's with a captial D) clothes. Ugly shoes. I can't imagine why anyone would speak to me, especially a man! At this same time, things were crazy at home, one upheaval after another. Crisis after crisis. Crazy work hours. Basic unrest.
Libra and I sat adjacent to one another with a cubicle partition between us. Basically, we could only see each other from the eyes up. The work environment was fast-paced, but we talked here and there. He always had something interesting to say. Something intelligent to say. Something inspiring to say. Something funny to say. Something sarcastic to say. In the midst of the craziness and unrest of my personal life, Libra was an oasis.
Not much time went by, and I found myself looking for his car in the parking lot when I got to work. If his car wasn't there, my heart would sink because I knew the day would pass slowly. A co-worker once said to me, "Well I guess you're not going to talk to anyone today, because when Libra is not here you don't talk to anyone". I hadn't realized it was that noticeable.
A couple of times, we ate lunch together in the cafeteria. After I told my husband, he made a sideways comment about me going to lunch with Libra, my boyfriend. I dismissed his comment. On one of our lunch breaks, I was telling Libra about a job I saw posted in another city, and that I was thinking of applying for it. He said "That's a shame, I was planning on having an affair with you." I laughed it off and told him I would have to run that by my husband. I was busy trying to be invisible, knew I looked like hell most of the time, so a comment like that almost felt like an insult. It was also an eeeewww moment for me, because Libra is married. I didn't really appreciate joking around about infidelity because my first husband had cheated on me many times. I just accepted it as a joke and went on.
Another time, we went out to his car for something and he commented that he liked the thought of me in his car. Again, I accepted it as a joke and went on. I couldn't accept it as anything else, because I couldn't imagine that anyone could be attracted to me.
About six months after we started our jobs, on a particularly slow workday, several of us were having a good, fun, lively conversation. I told a story of a crazy old lady at a bus stop that told me "You know those brothers love your big white ass", and we all laughed. I got up from my desk to go to the restroom. When I walked by Libra's desk (for the record..he is a big, black man:-), he said "That crazy old lady was right". Well, that certainly did get my attention. I'm a big girl, and in all my years, I had never had anyone say anything remotely nice about my ass. Did I mention that I'm an attention whore???
After that, I can't even remember how the instant messenger chat proceeded, but it didn't take long until the conversation turned to sex, and affairs, and us. I asked him why he wanted to have an affair. His answer: Adventure. I have to tell you that an adventure sounded so good, but I still wasn't sure. After I married husband #2, I had from time to time thought of old lovers and past adventures. I missed the chase, the rush, and the chemistry that I had never felt with my husband. But, until this moment, I had never ever entertained a thought of cheating on my husband. Libra and I decided to meet in the elevator. One kiss, closed mouth and one hug. I told him, no more kissing, but I hadn't felt that good for so long. I hadn't felt anything for so long. The next time we met in the elevator, there was most certainly more kissing. I wanted to touch him, kiss him.... I wanted him!
After all the years of being invisible, Libra saw me. He reminded me that it was okay to be me. From the start until now, 6 months out, there are many wonderful things that I've experienced, and things that he has given me. But, at the top of the list is that he saw me even though I was trying not to be seen. He listened to me when I'm not sure that I had anything of much value to say. He saved my life.
I've had friends tell me he's just using me to fill a void in his marriage. If true, then I've been using him as well to fill the void that was in my marriage. Maybe it's true love, and maybe he just wanted to grab my booty.
Libra's Mistress
I met Libra the first day I started my new job. He was funny, cocky, had incredible hands (the kind a pianist would notice), and an infectious laugh.
These were my cursory observations alone. I had long given up looking at men, or women for that matter, for any extended length of time or depth. I had stopped looking at people or things with any desire. I didn't deserve anything that I really wanted, so there was no point in wanting or even in looking very hard. I was, on that day by my own account, invisible, dumpy, dowdy, tired and worn.
I hadn't always been that way. When I moved to the state of my current residence about 7 years prior, I was confident, assertive, beautiful, full of life, sexually active, sexually confident. The reason for my move to this state was twofold: the man that I met on the internet who eventually became my husband lived in this state, and I obtained a great job offer here. The move was exciting with all of the new people to meet and places to see. It was bittersweet because I missed my family, and my children who stayed behind for three months while I found a house and got the household in order. Nonetheless, I felt it was a wise move for me, and the adventure for which I had been longing.
Unfortunately, it did not take me long to realize that my new live-in boyfriend had some insecurity issues, and was afraid that I would run off with some other man. My solution, sad as it turned out to be, was to make myself unattractive, fat, and for all intents and purposes, invisible. If you look gross, then no one will pay any attention to you, right? If no one pays any attention to you, then you have no one to run off with, right? It took about a year to ramp up the process to dumpy and from there it got continually worse over the next 6 years or so. On top of that, I found that I had to keep secrets. My boyfriend had been far less promiscuous than I had, or than I assumed (red flag) he had. I could not divulge any of my past sexual encounters because my new boyfriend had an aversion to sluts...and oh I was a slut.
My husband never seemed to notice that over the years I was coming apart at the seams, or if he did notice he never said anything. Neither did he ever treat me any differently. He always looked at me the same way, as if I were the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Never spoke of my weight gain. I could never decide if love was blind, or if he was satisfied that no one would notice me. I did feel very loved, and for that I was thankful.
At any rate, this is the state that I found myself in on the first day of my new job when I encountered Libra. Looking back now, it horrifies me to think of how I looked coming to work everyday. No make-up. Hair undone. Dumpy (that's with a captial D) clothes. Ugly shoes. I can't imagine why anyone would speak to me, especially a man! At this same time, things were crazy at home, one upheaval after another. Crisis after crisis. Crazy work hours. Basic unrest.
Libra and I sat adjacent to one another with a cubicle partition between us. Basically, we could only see each other from the eyes up. The work environment was fast-paced, but we talked here and there. He always had something interesting to say. Something intelligent to say. Something inspiring to say. Something funny to say. Something sarcastic to say. In the midst of the craziness and unrest of my personal life, Libra was an oasis.
Not much time went by, and I found myself looking for his car in the parking lot when I got to work. If his car wasn't there, my heart would sink because I knew the day would pass slowly. A co-worker once said to me, "Well I guess you're not going to talk to anyone today, because when Libra is not here you don't talk to anyone". I hadn't realized it was that noticeable.
A couple of times, we ate lunch together in the cafeteria. After I told my husband, he made a sideways comment about me going to lunch with Libra, my boyfriend. I dismissed his comment. On one of our lunch breaks, I was telling Libra about a job I saw posted in another city, and that I was thinking of applying for it. He said "That's a shame, I was planning on having an affair with you." I laughed it off and told him I would have to run that by my husband. I was busy trying to be invisible, knew I looked like hell most of the time, so a comment like that almost felt like an insult. It was also an eeeewww moment for me, because Libra is married. I didn't really appreciate joking around about infidelity because my first husband had cheated on me many times. I just accepted it as a joke and went on.
Another time, we went out to his car for something and he commented that he liked the thought of me in his car. Again, I accepted it as a joke and went on. I couldn't accept it as anything else, because I couldn't imagine that anyone could be attracted to me.
About six months after we started our jobs, on a particularly slow workday, several of us were having a good, fun, lively conversation. I told a story of a crazy old lady at a bus stop that told me "You know those brothers love your big white ass", and we all laughed. I got up from my desk to go to the restroom. When I walked by Libra's desk (for the record..he is a big, black man:-), he said "That crazy old lady was right". Well, that certainly did get my attention. I'm a big girl, and in all my years, I had never had anyone say anything remotely nice about my ass. Did I mention that I'm an attention whore???
After that, I can't even remember how the instant messenger chat proceeded, but it didn't take long until the conversation turned to sex, and affairs, and us. I asked him why he wanted to have an affair. His answer: Adventure. I have to tell you that an adventure sounded so good, but I still wasn't sure. After I married husband #2, I had from time to time thought of old lovers and past adventures. I missed the chase, the rush, and the chemistry that I had never felt with my husband. But, until this moment, I had never ever entertained a thought of cheating on my husband. Libra and I decided to meet in the elevator. One kiss, closed mouth and one hug. I told him, no more kissing, but I hadn't felt that good for so long. I hadn't felt anything for so long. The next time we met in the elevator, there was most certainly more kissing. I wanted to touch him, kiss him.... I wanted him!
After all the years of being invisible, Libra saw me. He reminded me that it was okay to be me. From the start until now, 6 months out, there are many wonderful things that I've experienced, and things that he has given me. But, at the top of the list is that he saw me even though I was trying not to be seen. He listened to me when I'm not sure that I had anything of much value to say. He saved my life.
I've had friends tell me he's just using me to fill a void in his marriage. If true, then I've been using him as well to fill the void that was in my marriage. Maybe it's true love, and maybe he just wanted to grab my booty.
Libra's Mistress
posted by Libra's Mistress | 2:02 AM
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