Communication & Conversation
Libra and I did a lot of communicating through a messenger program at work. We talked about so many different things. I wish that I had saved everyone of those chats, but I'm sappy like that.
It really didn't take long for me to start revealing little bits of information about my past sexual encounters, things that I could never tell my husband. But, Libra would usually say "When you tell me things like that, it makes me love you more." It is so liberating to be open and honest, not to have to keep secrets. I don't have to be afraid that Libra will abandon me if the truth is known. I told him about my bisexual curiousity. This was something that I could never have discussed with my husband in all the years we were together, but I revealed it to Libra in a matter of weeks. I don't have to pretend to be whoever Libra wants me to be. I can just be me. I'm expected to be me. If I fail to be authentic, I know that Libra will call me on it.
I really want to emphasize how comfortable I felt just being myself with Libra. Most men that I have been with communicated to me in one way or another "I need you to change who you are, hide who you are, and be this for me". With Libra, the dialogue was more "You just be you, but let me tell you what I need". Again, it's liberating for me. That's not to say that he doesn't challenge me on all the fucked up shit that's in my head, or the worthless baggage that I've been carrying with me for years, because he does challenge me.
Libra is big on honest, open communication. He never sugar coats anything for me. Even if the truth and what's real is not pleasant, the truth is spoken. Because of this, I learned to trust, and grow to trust him more and more. I don't have to translate what he says into what he probably means. I've caught myself several times second guessing what he said, wondering if he really meant something else. I have to remind myself that this Libra, not the other men from my past. At the very least it has been a huge life lesson for me regarding the vitality of honest communication. I don't feel selfishly manipulated or coerced because Libra is trustworthy.
That being said, I still feel afraid to say what's on my mind when it's not pleasant. All my life, I have had to temper my words to live in someone else's world. Since I was a small child, I've had my own running dialog in my head of what I really want to say, and then the dialog that allows me to survive in someone else's world. It makes me very sad to know that at the age of four, I had mastered that skill. Even more sad that I continued using it as a mechanism to cope throughout my adult life thus far.
Contributing to my two failed marriages is the fact that I would rather remain silent, and bear the full weight of any problem or crisis, rather than speak my mind and bear the reaction of my spouse to whatever is at issue. Even if the issue or problem is not my fault, I still would choose to hide the problem, and shoulder the burden alone. It is just within the last week that I realized that normal people in healthy relationships argue and have unpleasant conversations. I had to actually ask one of my friends about it.... "Is that what normal people do?" It scares me to death. When I'm around couples that are having even a mild disagreement, it goes right through me. It makes me uncomfortable, makes my heart pound. This is my reaction when the issue has nothing to do with me!!! I know that I will never be able to engage in another relationship until I have resolved this issue, or at least have the courage to embrace healthy conflict.
Libra raised the bar for me in so many ways. I won't be able to accept less than what I really want in a future partner. I know now that I need a man that is strong, able to confront me, demands authenticity, challenges me, communicates effectively, and will tell me what he wants and needs. I know now that I can't keep secrets because I'm afraid of rejection. I'm still working at realizing my own value, and of accepting nothing less than what I truly want. It will take an extremely exception man to top Libra, but I'll never settle for anything less.
For now, Libra and I are engaged in this dance. Some days we're closer than others. Some days he has more time for me than others. Some days my heart aches to be with him. Some days I get the feeling that he is pulling away, and that may just be my insecurity pricking me. I know in my head that the reality is that what we are now sharing could be over in an instant, but my heart tells me that I'm not yet ready to give him up. Plus, the sex is phenomenal!
Libra's Mistress
It really didn't take long for me to start revealing little bits of information about my past sexual encounters, things that I could never tell my husband. But, Libra would usually say "When you tell me things like that, it makes me love you more." It is so liberating to be open and honest, not to have to keep secrets. I don't have to be afraid that Libra will abandon me if the truth is known. I told him about my bisexual curiousity. This was something that I could never have discussed with my husband in all the years we were together, but I revealed it to Libra in a matter of weeks. I don't have to pretend to be whoever Libra wants me to be. I can just be me. I'm expected to be me. If I fail to be authentic, I know that Libra will call me on it.
I really want to emphasize how comfortable I felt just being myself with Libra. Most men that I have been with communicated to me in one way or another "I need you to change who you are, hide who you are, and be this for me". With Libra, the dialogue was more "You just be you, but let me tell you what I need". Again, it's liberating for me. That's not to say that he doesn't challenge me on all the fucked up shit that's in my head, or the worthless baggage that I've been carrying with me for years, because he does challenge me.
Libra is big on honest, open communication. He never sugar coats anything for me. Even if the truth and what's real is not pleasant, the truth is spoken. Because of this, I learned to trust, and grow to trust him more and more. I don't have to translate what he says into what he probably means. I've caught myself several times second guessing what he said, wondering if he really meant something else. I have to remind myself that this Libra, not the other men from my past. At the very least it has been a huge life lesson for me regarding the vitality of honest communication. I don't feel selfishly manipulated or coerced because Libra is trustworthy.
That being said, I still feel afraid to say what's on my mind when it's not pleasant. All my life, I have had to temper my words to live in someone else's world. Since I was a small child, I've had my own running dialog in my head of what I really want to say, and then the dialog that allows me to survive in someone else's world. It makes me very sad to know that at the age of four, I had mastered that skill. Even more sad that I continued using it as a mechanism to cope throughout my adult life thus far.
Contributing to my two failed marriages is the fact that I would rather remain silent, and bear the full weight of any problem or crisis, rather than speak my mind and bear the reaction of my spouse to whatever is at issue. Even if the issue or problem is not my fault, I still would choose to hide the problem, and shoulder the burden alone. It is just within the last week that I realized that normal people in healthy relationships argue and have unpleasant conversations. I had to actually ask one of my friends about it.... "Is that what normal people do?" It scares me to death. When I'm around couples that are having even a mild disagreement, it goes right through me. It makes me uncomfortable, makes my heart pound. This is my reaction when the issue has nothing to do with me!!! I know that I will never be able to engage in another relationship until I have resolved this issue, or at least have the courage to embrace healthy conflict.
Libra raised the bar for me in so many ways. I won't be able to accept less than what I really want in a future partner. I know now that I need a man that is strong, able to confront me, demands authenticity, challenges me, communicates effectively, and will tell me what he wants and needs. I know now that I can't keep secrets because I'm afraid of rejection. I'm still working at realizing my own value, and of accepting nothing less than what I truly want. It will take an extremely exception man to top Libra, but I'll never settle for anything less.
For now, Libra and I are engaged in this dance. Some days we're closer than others. Some days he has more time for me than others. Some days my heart aches to be with him. Some days I get the feeling that he is pulling away, and that may just be my insecurity pricking me. I know in my head that the reality is that what we are now sharing could be over in an instant, but my heart tells me that I'm not yet ready to give him up. Plus, the sex is phenomenal!
Libra's Mistress
posted by Libra's Mistress | 3:06 AM
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