The Libra Affair

Chronicles of My Affair With a Married Man

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Emotions Out of Control

So we're a couple months into this adventure and I'm falling so hard for Libra, and it just can't be. I was still living with my husband, but had decided that I was going to leave him. I was struggling with how I was going to tell him. I wasn't leaving my husband for Libra. I was leaving my husband because of all of the issues that had been present and unresolved for years. The difference now was I was no longer ignoring the issues. I was struggling to keeping the affair with Libra and all of the emotions that were rising up separate from what was going on in my marriage. I knew that one could have nothing to do with the other, and keeping it separate was extremely taxing mentally and emotionally.

I didn't realize going into the affair with Libra that I was going to get so much emotional satisfaction. At the beginning, I just wanted to get some sexual satisfaction and maintain our friendship. I wasn't doing well keeping any kind of healthy perspective. I had to remind myself daily that he would never be mine. I had to tell myself that we would never be together no matter what. That we would never spend even one night together.

At the same time, Libra had a very delicate way of keeping me in my place. He would tell me that I would outgrow him and our relationship. He never said anything mean, or even remotely hateful, but I felt pushed away.... and hard. There was a space between us, a boundary. Even though things now are very different than they were 4 and half months ago, it still hurts me to think about how I was feeling at that time. It brings tears to my eyes. I was without a sense of belonging. I knew that I no longer belonged with my husband, and I felt that Libra was making it clear and undeniable that I did not belong with him either.

Just when I felt that he didn't care, he would do little things that made think that he did care. Honestly these things are not more than a true friend would do. If you've even seen the movie "The Mirror Has Two Faces", Barbara Streisand's character is looking for a man that knows the little things about her: the kind of toothpaste she uses, how she likes her salad, extra dressing on the side, etc... Part way through the movie, she sees that her love interest (who incidentally is maintaining a space between them) knows all those little things that she wanted someone to know. Knowing those things about her was equal to love for her. So, I think Libra is pushing me away and he starts mentioning the places that we get lunch, and what I always order, and that if we share a piece of cake I want the top part with the icing. Perhaps that was meaningless, but it certainly kept me hooked.

I was twisted up in knots that month and the one after, too. It didn't matter how much I tried to think about something else, anything else.. he was in my conscious thoughts 90% of the time. Even though I couldn't control my emotions, I knew that I could control my actions. So, I had to go with just that. I loved Libra as my friend, and now I was falling in love with him. Really, I had fallen and I didn't even want to get up.

Libra's Mistress


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