My World Comes Crashing
The week after my emotions went out of control (and stayed there), my fucked up little world came crashing down.
My landlord called me at work around the 16th of the month, and told me that our rent had not been paid from the 1st. My husband had supposedly taken care of that. It was $1200 that I knew he would not be able to account for. This financial issue on top of everything else I was feeling was just too much. I decided right then, I was done, and it was over.
It wasn't that I did not love my husband. I did love him, or at least thought that I loved him. We had struggled for so very long, doing nothing more than surviving for so many years. We had not accomplished anything significant in more than 7 years. My requests for us to sit down and talk about our marriage, our goals together, our personal goals, all went unheeded.
By this time, I had been taking much better care of myself. I looked better. I felt better. It was then that I began to wonder how far down would he have let me slide. I was in horrible shape when Libra found me. If he had not found me, how much farther down would my husband have let me go? Would I have lived in devastating depression the rest of my life? Would I have just faded away? Would I have ended my own life? It's impossible to know what would have been, but I do know that any outcome I can think of is at the very least unpleasant. I became angry with my husband, and bitter.
On top of his lack of maturity and our communication issues, was his recent lack of attentiveness. He was on the computer all the time, on a site with webcams. When we went out to a bar for my birthday, he was gawking at other women and making comments about them to me. He had never done that in all our years together. The last thing I was hanging on to was disintegrating.
So that night after the landlord called, my husband called me from work. He could tell something was up and asked me repeatedly what was wrong. I told him over and over that we would talk when he got home from work, but that wasn't good enough. He wanted to know right then. So, I told him. Told him that it was over. Told him I was tired of surviving. Told him that he should move on and find someone fertile to bear his children. I didn't ask where the money went or ask him any of the really important questions. I didn't want to know. I just didn't care anymore. He came home in the morning and gathered his personal belongings. He didn't want anything else. I helped him carry his shit to the car, and it was over.
I was left to deal with the shit storm over the rent. It was like this: you've got 4 days to get out, or get evicted. It was up to me to handle every detail. My two younger children and I had to pack up the entire house in a hurry. I was physically exhausted, and mentally and emotionally overwhelmed.
I had planned to make some kind of life with my kids that were still living at home, but they had other plans that didn't include living with me. In a very short period of time, it went from me living with 5 other people and 2 dogs in a 3 bedroom house, to me living alone in a 1 bedroom apartment. The adjustment was very difficult, to put it mildly. There were a couple of times when I didn't think I could get through it.
I didn't leave my husband for Libra, but I probably would not have left my husband if I hadn't had the relationship that I did with Libra. As difficult as it was to make this change, I would most certainly do it all again. Now, I can do what I want to do. I don't do what I think I should do, or what I think someone else expects of me (well, maybe a little). Some might call me selfish, or self-centered. They might even be right to a degree. But, fuck them anyway. I like doing what makes me happy, and I don't plan on stopping any time soon.
Libra's Mistress
My landlord called me at work around the 16th of the month, and told me that our rent had not been paid from the 1st. My husband had supposedly taken care of that. It was $1200 that I knew he would not be able to account for. This financial issue on top of everything else I was feeling was just too much. I decided right then, I was done, and it was over.
It wasn't that I did not love my husband. I did love him, or at least thought that I loved him. We had struggled for so very long, doing nothing more than surviving for so many years. We had not accomplished anything significant in more than 7 years. My requests for us to sit down and talk about our marriage, our goals together, our personal goals, all went unheeded.
By this time, I had been taking much better care of myself. I looked better. I felt better. It was then that I began to wonder how far down would he have let me slide. I was in horrible shape when Libra found me. If he had not found me, how much farther down would my husband have let me go? Would I have lived in devastating depression the rest of my life? Would I have just faded away? Would I have ended my own life? It's impossible to know what would have been, but I do know that any outcome I can think of is at the very least unpleasant. I became angry with my husband, and bitter.
On top of his lack of maturity and our communication issues, was his recent lack of attentiveness. He was on the computer all the time, on a site with webcams. When we went out to a bar for my birthday, he was gawking at other women and making comments about them to me. He had never done that in all our years together. The last thing I was hanging on to was disintegrating.
So that night after the landlord called, my husband called me from work. He could tell something was up and asked me repeatedly what was wrong. I told him over and over that we would talk when he got home from work, but that wasn't good enough. He wanted to know right then. So, I told him. Told him that it was over. Told him I was tired of surviving. Told him that he should move on and find someone fertile to bear his children. I didn't ask where the money went or ask him any of the really important questions. I didn't want to know. I just didn't care anymore. He came home in the morning and gathered his personal belongings. He didn't want anything else. I helped him carry his shit to the car, and it was over.
I was left to deal with the shit storm over the rent. It was like this: you've got 4 days to get out, or get evicted. It was up to me to handle every detail. My two younger children and I had to pack up the entire house in a hurry. I was physically exhausted, and mentally and emotionally overwhelmed.
I had planned to make some kind of life with my kids that were still living at home, but they had other plans that didn't include living with me. In a very short period of time, it went from me living with 5 other people and 2 dogs in a 3 bedroom house, to me living alone in a 1 bedroom apartment. The adjustment was very difficult, to put it mildly. There were a couple of times when I didn't think I could get through it.
I didn't leave my husband for Libra, but I probably would not have left my husband if I hadn't had the relationship that I did with Libra. As difficult as it was to make this change, I would most certainly do it all again. Now, I can do what I want to do. I don't do what I think I should do, or what I think someone else expects of me (well, maybe a little). Some might call me selfish, or self-centered. They might even be right to a degree. But, fuck them anyway. I like doing what makes me happy, and I don't plan on stopping any time soon.
Libra's Mistress
posted by Libra's Mistress | 3:34 AM
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