The Magic Paging System & Music To My Ears

Crappy things sometimes happen on days that really aren't so bad. I had an unwanted conversation today with my estranged husband, and I told him that it would be our last. I told him never to contact me again, and that our only communication would from my lawyer. Sadly, the short conversation hit me sideways, woke me out of a great sound sleep, and left me crying. I hated that it made me cry. I don't want to ever waste another tear on that man.

Here's the cool magic paging part. Just as I'm trying to pull myself together, wishing that I could just talk to Libra for a minute (on Sundays, I normally don't call him), just to hear his voice, my phone rang. It was Libra. Just to hear his voice was so comforting to me at that moment. He didn't ask me if anything was wrong, and I really didn't want to let on that anything was wrong. He asked me to do something with his family, but I declined. I really wanted to see him, but I didn't think I'd be great company. I was tired, and honestly not in the mood to see him with his wife. Most times, it doesn't bother me at all. Then there are times when it feels like a knife, and today would most definitely have been one of those days.

It's not unusual for him to call me at those "strange" moments. I can't tell you now many times I've awakened from a sound sleep, picked up my cell phone to see if he has called, and have the phone ring in my hand.... Libra calling me. I've never had that kind of connection with anyone else. Some people might say that it's simply a coincidence. Just for the record, I don't really like those people.

Now, on to that which is the music to my ears. For the last week or so, I've been feeling so insecure where it comes to Libra. Wondering if he's tiring of me, bored, uninterested. I've felt like I was right on the verge of getting more emotional than I really wanted to. I'm not sure why this is....could be for a lot of different reasons ranging from going off meds that I probably should have been taking, chronic lack of sleep over the last month catching up with me, or just basic baggage-induced, garden-variety insecurity.

Libra came over to my apartment the other day and I asked for a kiss to which he replied "No." I ended up getting some fabulous sex (which is worth writing about, and I will), but I was still pissed off about not getting what I asked for. A kiss. In my mind, a kiss is incredibly more intimate than any kind of fuck, bar none. So refusing to kiss me was at that moment, for me, a loss of intimacy. All in my mind, people...all in my twisted little mind.

At any rate, I've been struggling with this all week. Tonight, I'm at work late and we chat on the net. We had a discussion that wasnt' all sunshine, which I'm getting so much better with. The more we have non-sunshine discussions the easier and more comfortable they get for me. Here's a little transcript of us wrapping things up.

LIBRA: you are a pleaser i know that. you are a fixer i know that but you don't have to please me to have me. you've already got me...im not going anywhere. do you realize just how lucky i am to have you in my life. even if only as a friend but then there is the sex and love that we share and what else could I ask for?
LIBRA: I love you so much
me: I love it when you say that
LIBRA: thank you for being mine......
me: and i love you too! I am yours!!!
LIBRA: good night......
me: nite baby

Music to my ears.

Libra's Mistress