Speaking My Mind
So my dear readers, if there are actually any of you out there, if you've been reading along you already know that I have communication issues that I'm working on. Namely that I don't speak my mind. If you asked most of the people around me, they would probably tell you that I do speak my mind, but most of the people around me don't really know me.
I've always been the type to keep certain things to myself (unpleasant things), or to think about something that's bothering me for an extended period of time until the point when actually saying something about it has quite lost its meaning due to the lag between offense and response. I don't really want to just blurt out whatever comes to my mind, because what if....? What if I just end up saying something angry or hurtful that I really don't mean? What if I fly off the handle without having the proper grasp of the situation at hand? What if I say something that will demolish the relationship? What if I simply say the wrong thing? On the flip, what if an immediate response to something is crucial? What if delaying to speak my mind causes more trouble than if I had just blurted out what I really wanted to? I think there must be some balance between the two. I am willing to consider, though, that speaking my mind on the spot may just plain be the best alternative. Being willing to consider that option makes me wonder how much stress I could eliminate from my life that comes with always thinking things over and over, and agonizing myself into misery.
A couple weeks ago, I noticed a couple of emails that Libra had sent out on the swingers website. The emails made it sound like he was willing to "play" without me. I don't do well with feeling authentically angry. I don't like the physical sensations that come along with anger, but I could feel it coming. My chest felt tight. My head felt hot. My heart pounded. My stomach tied itself in a double knot. Libra and I were chatting online, and he could sense something wasn't right, and asked me if anything was wrong. I said "No, it's all good." Now why would I lie? I was afraid. Afraid that speaking my truth would be misunderstood and misconstrued. I was afraid to speak my mind, to speak my own feelings. Afraid to be transparent with someone who has proved to me time and time again that he is trustworthy. Afraid to speak the truth and afraid of what his reaction would be. Afraid most of all that he really did want to "play" without me.
Before I admitted to him what was bothering me, I took a moment to rethink what he and I had discussed about swinging. Specifically, that it was a "we" thing, not a "him" or "me" thing. A "we" thing. Since I believe that he has always been honest with me, I was able to let go of the squall of emotions that had arisen. The physical symptoms, however, were another story. The physical symptoms felt like a full blown panic attack and didn't subside until well after I told him what had been bothering me.
True to his nature and his word, he reminded me of who he is and who he is not (all the jerks from my past). He brought to my attention that I said what I needed to say. He said "I'm still in love with you, and still here." I didn't die. The world didn't come to an end. He didn't punish me for what I felt, or that I lied and said nothing was wrong. When it came to a rough spot, he was exactly who he said that he is. Integrity is a beautiful thing.
Libra's Mistress
I've always been the type to keep certain things to myself (unpleasant things), or to think about something that's bothering me for an extended period of time until the point when actually saying something about it has quite lost its meaning due to the lag between offense and response. I don't really want to just blurt out whatever comes to my mind, because what if....? What if I just end up saying something angry or hurtful that I really don't mean? What if I fly off the handle without having the proper grasp of the situation at hand? What if I say something that will demolish the relationship? What if I simply say the wrong thing? On the flip, what if an immediate response to something is crucial? What if delaying to speak my mind causes more trouble than if I had just blurted out what I really wanted to? I think there must be some balance between the two. I am willing to consider, though, that speaking my mind on the spot may just plain be the best alternative. Being willing to consider that option makes me wonder how much stress I could eliminate from my life that comes with always thinking things over and over, and agonizing myself into misery.
A couple weeks ago, I noticed a couple of emails that Libra had sent out on the swingers website. The emails made it sound like he was willing to "play" without me. I don't do well with feeling authentically angry. I don't like the physical sensations that come along with anger, but I could feel it coming. My chest felt tight. My head felt hot. My heart pounded. My stomach tied itself in a double knot. Libra and I were chatting online, and he could sense something wasn't right, and asked me if anything was wrong. I said "No, it's all good." Now why would I lie? I was afraid. Afraid that speaking my truth would be misunderstood and misconstrued. I was afraid to speak my mind, to speak my own feelings. Afraid to be transparent with someone who has proved to me time and time again that he is trustworthy. Afraid to speak the truth and afraid of what his reaction would be. Afraid most of all that he really did want to "play" without me.
Before I admitted to him what was bothering me, I took a moment to rethink what he and I had discussed about swinging. Specifically, that it was a "we" thing, not a "him" or "me" thing. A "we" thing. Since I believe that he has always been honest with me, I was able to let go of the squall of emotions that had arisen. The physical symptoms, however, were another story. The physical symptoms felt like a full blown panic attack and didn't subside until well after I told him what had been bothering me.
True to his nature and his word, he reminded me of who he is and who he is not (all the jerks from my past). He brought to my attention that I said what I needed to say. He said "I'm still in love with you, and still here." I didn't die. The world didn't come to an end. He didn't punish me for what I felt, or that I lied and said nothing was wrong. When it came to a rough spot, he was exactly who he said that he is. Integrity is a beautiful thing.
Libra's Mistress
posted by Libra's Mistress | 10:06 PM
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