Tough Conversations and Tears
There has been more than one tough conversation over the last several weeks. Learning to communicate effectively with a man is, for me, no small feat. Some days I just don't know where we're going, and that's probably because we're not really going anywhere. This thing that we have just is what it is. It is right now what it most likely will always be. The dynamics between Libra and I change all the time, but the logistics will always be the same. It's them. The Libras. Mr. and Mrs. .... and then there's me.
I do from time to time, and more than I should, push out of my mind that he belongs to her, and she to him, and they to one another. It is of no consequence good or bad if I feel that my heart belongs to him, because his heart is not and will not ever be fully mine. I wonder at times if I or we are just prolonging the inevitable. That being making a conscious choice to alter this relationship, to end the sexual relationship and attempt to protect the friendship and the working relationship.
Because of circumstances that I have put myself in, every part of my life feels out of control... out of my control. Because it is MY life, I'm the only one that can right things and put them as they should be. I'm looking for a different job. Things are not going well for me at work. In addition to my personal issues with work is the fact that some people know about Libra and me, some people think they know, some people thought they knew and then changed their minds. At any rate, it's uncomfortable at work from time to time. What would normally be seen as innocent conversation, or simple interaction between co-workers is suspect. So it's time for me to go elsewhere.
I'm not used to putting myself first, or thinking about my own welfare. At times Libra pushes me in that direction and it gives me the most horrible feeling. It brings up attitudes and impulses... old attitudes and impulses... that I hate and am not sure are healthy. Push me a little and I want to run. Be aloof ....and it doesn't even have to be about me... and I'm ready to turn you off like a light switch. I'm faced right now with making changes that can be good for me personally, and singley, but my changes and choices will dramatically affect the time that Libra and I have together. He tells me that we will have quality time, not quantity, but I want both. Right now we work shifts that allow us the option of spending a good part of the day together almost every week day. When I change jobs, I will probably be on an opposing shift and we will have very, very little time together. Honestly, I don't see when we will have any time together. Libra tells me that I cannot make choices based on "us", and I know in my head that he is right. He tells me that I'm afraid of change and of the unknown, and I try to deny it. But, I know that he's right. In fact, I'm terrified. He suggested even that I look for a job out of town. That hurt. It went through me like a knife, even though I know that he didn't intend for it to. It feels and sounds like he's just hell bent on making me leave, go away, live my own life.
I should just be thankful for all of the extra time that we've had together for the last couple of months, and go on with my life. Easier said than done. The truth of the matter is that my normal reaction would be to stay at the shitty job and keep the schedule that I have just so I could have that time with him. What does that say about me, and will this ever not be my normal m.o.?
Right now, I just want to pick up and leave here. I want to run away. I want a thousand miles of physical space between us to be the reason that we can't be together. I want any other reason other than the true reason... that I'm just not worth sacrificing anything. On the flip, as I've said before.. I don't want him to leave her. I don't want him to leave his family. My intellect completely understands why things must be this way. But, it doesn't make my heart stop longing for him. I want to go back home to the state where I came from a good number of years ago. I want to visit a couple of old friends. Not tell them any of this. Just be with them like we used to be. Uncomplicated. Fun. Skinny dipping drunk. Breakfast on the beach. Walks downtown. My stress level is pretty high right now, and I so very much want and absolutely need a break. How far would I have to go and how long would I have to stay gone to get over Libra or at least get some perspective on MY life? I'm not sure what the answer is, but I know I've been at this crossroads before or one very like it. Sometimes I just have to let some things quietly fade away. Let the intensity fade before it overwhelms me.
Libra saw a segment on a morning show the other day about women that have affairs with married men. I asked him what they said. He told me that it wasn't fair to me, and said "How can I say that I love you and not give you my all?" He asked me to promise him that when I'm ready to move on that I will just tell him. He told me that he thinks I'm worth more, and asked me if I thought I was worth more. I answered "yes". More will never come to me, I'll never find more or have more while I'm still standing on this spot pining away over something that will never be. I asked him what he thought the worst and best case scenarios were for us. His answers were very different from the ones in my head. His worst was Mrs. Libra finding out and separating from him. His best was Mrs. Libra and I developing a relationship that would allow the three of us to be together. At that moment more than any other thus far I realized how very much he loves her. He loves her more. She is his life. She will be with him all his life. She is truly the priority. Me.... I'm an option. I don't mean that in a harsh way, but I do mean it in a realistic way. Reality does in fact bite, at least some of the time.
My worst case scenario - being completely separated from Libra. My best case scenario - being with Libra, sharing a life together. Selfish on my part .... Yes. But it's honest. I didn't tell him my worst and best. He tried to ask me but I squirmed out of answering by saying that I asked him first.
After all these months, I know who I am with Libra. Now, it's just time to find out who I am.
I layed in their bed yesterday to take a nap before I went to work. I cried on her pillow. Then, I turned over and cried on his pillow. Quietly, calmly, resolutely. Then I went to sleep.
Libra's Mistress
I do from time to time, and more than I should, push out of my mind that he belongs to her, and she to him, and they to one another. It is of no consequence good or bad if I feel that my heart belongs to him, because his heart is not and will not ever be fully mine. I wonder at times if I or we are just prolonging the inevitable. That being making a conscious choice to alter this relationship, to end the sexual relationship and attempt to protect the friendship and the working relationship.
Because of circumstances that I have put myself in, every part of my life feels out of control... out of my control. Because it is MY life, I'm the only one that can right things and put them as they should be. I'm looking for a different job. Things are not going well for me at work. In addition to my personal issues with work is the fact that some people know about Libra and me, some people think they know, some people thought they knew and then changed their minds. At any rate, it's uncomfortable at work from time to time. What would normally be seen as innocent conversation, or simple interaction between co-workers is suspect. So it's time for me to go elsewhere.
I'm not used to putting myself first, or thinking about my own welfare. At times Libra pushes me in that direction and it gives me the most horrible feeling. It brings up attitudes and impulses... old attitudes and impulses... that I hate and am not sure are healthy. Push me a little and I want to run. Be aloof ....and it doesn't even have to be about me... and I'm ready to turn you off like a light switch. I'm faced right now with making changes that can be good for me personally, and singley, but my changes and choices will dramatically affect the time that Libra and I have together. He tells me that we will have quality time, not quantity, but I want both. Right now we work shifts that allow us the option of spending a good part of the day together almost every week day. When I change jobs, I will probably be on an opposing shift and we will have very, very little time together. Honestly, I don't see when we will have any time together. Libra tells me that I cannot make choices based on "us", and I know in my head that he is right. He tells me that I'm afraid of change and of the unknown, and I try to deny it. But, I know that he's right. In fact, I'm terrified. He suggested even that I look for a job out of town. That hurt. It went through me like a knife, even though I know that he didn't intend for it to. It feels and sounds like he's just hell bent on making me leave, go away, live my own life.
I should just be thankful for all of the extra time that we've had together for the last couple of months, and go on with my life. Easier said than done. The truth of the matter is that my normal reaction would be to stay at the shitty job and keep the schedule that I have just so I could have that time with him. What does that say about me, and will this ever not be my normal m.o.?
Right now, I just want to pick up and leave here. I want to run away. I want a thousand miles of physical space between us to be the reason that we can't be together. I want any other reason other than the true reason... that I'm just not worth sacrificing anything. On the flip, as I've said before.. I don't want him to leave her. I don't want him to leave his family. My intellect completely understands why things must be this way. But, it doesn't make my heart stop longing for him. I want to go back home to the state where I came from a good number of years ago. I want to visit a couple of old friends. Not tell them any of this. Just be with them like we used to be. Uncomplicated. Fun. Skinny dipping drunk. Breakfast on the beach. Walks downtown. My stress level is pretty high right now, and I so very much want and absolutely need a break. How far would I have to go and how long would I have to stay gone to get over Libra or at least get some perspective on MY life? I'm not sure what the answer is, but I know I've been at this crossroads before or one very like it. Sometimes I just have to let some things quietly fade away. Let the intensity fade before it overwhelms me.
Libra saw a segment on a morning show the other day about women that have affairs with married men. I asked him what they said. He told me that it wasn't fair to me, and said "How can I say that I love you and not give you my all?" He asked me to promise him that when I'm ready to move on that I will just tell him. He told me that he thinks I'm worth more, and asked me if I thought I was worth more. I answered "yes". More will never come to me, I'll never find more or have more while I'm still standing on this spot pining away over something that will never be. I asked him what he thought the worst and best case scenarios were for us. His answers were very different from the ones in my head. His worst was Mrs. Libra finding out and separating from him. His best was Mrs. Libra and I developing a relationship that would allow the three of us to be together. At that moment more than any other thus far I realized how very much he loves her. He loves her more. She is his life. She will be with him all his life. She is truly the priority. Me.... I'm an option. I don't mean that in a harsh way, but I do mean it in a realistic way. Reality does in fact bite, at least some of the time.
My worst case scenario - being completely separated from Libra. My best case scenario - being with Libra, sharing a life together. Selfish on my part .... Yes. But it's honest. I didn't tell him my worst and best. He tried to ask me but I squirmed out of answering by saying that I asked him first.
After all these months, I know who I am with Libra. Now, it's just time to find out who I am.
I layed in their bed yesterday to take a nap before I went to work. I cried on her pillow. Then, I turned over and cried on his pillow. Quietly, calmly, resolutely. Then I went to sleep.
Libra's Mistress
posted by Libra's Mistress | 1:14 AM
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