Then & Now
Libra and I have had some interesting conversations lately.
A couple of times, he's brought up this question: What would things be like if we had found each other before we married other people? I told him that's not the way things went for us. That I can't dwell on what things would have been like for me with him in my life. He said I didn't have to dwell on it. I told him that if I think about it for long, I would inevitably dwell on it. It's not possible for me to comprehend my life without the last 20 years of heartache. I would be a completely different person now. Knowing how I feel about myself and my life and my future now, thanks more than just in part to Libra ... I can only dream of what I would have accomplished in the last 20 years with him beside me. Changing the past is not an option now, so I have to stay away from what it would have been like.
Okay, so I am crying now, but wait.... I'm happy. They're not really happy tears, but I'm still happy. The future looks a whole lot more hopeful than it did 9 months ago, or even 6 months ago. I don't feel that old familar panicky feeling when I think about the future. It's all still unknown, but I don't feel afraid or hopeless. That's a major change for me.
Being afraid....brings me to the next topic that Libra and I talked about this week. I don't even remember how we got on the topic of when I had last seen my husband, but I ended up telling Libra that there was oral sex involved. Libra had a strange look on his face and asked me why I didn't tell him. I wasn't really sure how to answer. Now that I've had time to think about it, I know the answer. I didn't think that I was important enough to Libra to warrant telling him. There were even moments when I thought that Libra expected that I would go back to my husband, as if he didn't think that I could make it.
We had another conversation similar in topic and I was really surprised to learn how differently Libra and I saw "us" back at the time that I split from my husband. I was, on a lot of days, just waiting for the day that Libra would break up with me. Too much effort, too much drama, too much baggage. That first month was very, very difficult and emotional for me. I went from living with my entire family to being alone. On top of that, there were intense emotions and feelings that I had for Libra. It really did feel horrible at times... I felt like I loved him way more than he would ever love me. That meant that I had to reign in my emotions, and true to form do something semi-destructive like see my husband. If I didn't make Libra my everything, then maybe it would hurt less when he was done with me. Anyway, Libra tells me that at that time he loved me. I told him I remember that's what he said, but I didn't take that to mean that he wanted to be with me for anything length of time.
I was so scared of losing myself in another man that might hurt me that I didn't see that when Libra said that he loved me he meant it. Three months after the split and not really believing Libra would stick around, I did for a couple of days even entertain the notion that things could be worked out with my husband. Libra had a pretty strong reaction to that, and I was really surprised. I had no intention of giving up my thing with Libra if I got back together with my husband, but Libra was having no part of that. He told me that we would completely part ways if I went back to my husband and that we could not even be friends. Being completely without Libra just wasn't acceptable. I still didn't really think he was going to stick around for long, but I knew that I wasn't ready to give him up. I told my husband adios again.
So then Libra asks me ...now that I have him in my life, what do I want and what am I going to do? This was the question that didn't require an answer. I told him that I really hadn't thought about it that way. See, I've been expending my energy making sure that I didn't ask myself any tough or insiteful questions. But now that Libra let the question out of the bag, I started to think about how much more confident I feel about accomplishing whatever I want, and just how great if feels to know that he'll be with me. Not that I need him to do anything for me, or even help me with whatever I want to accomplish (although I know that he will if I need him to), but there's a secure feeling knowing that he will at the very least simply be present for me and with me. This may seem basic and rudimentary to some, but for me this was a profound moment of self-realization.
Things have changed with us over the last couple of months, or it feels to me like it has changed. Maybe I just caught up to where Libra was already. It's like I have one of those "you are here" maps to Libra with a little arrow pointing to where I'm at, to where I belong. It's the ultimate happy place. I get to be me, be loved and love Libra. Turns out that "Us" is so much more than I ever dreamed we would be.
Libra's Mistress
A couple of times, he's brought up this question: What would things be like if we had found each other before we married other people? I told him that's not the way things went for us. That I can't dwell on what things would have been like for me with him in my life. He said I didn't have to dwell on it. I told him that if I think about it for long, I would inevitably dwell on it. It's not possible for me to comprehend my life without the last 20 years of heartache. I would be a completely different person now. Knowing how I feel about myself and my life and my future now, thanks more than just in part to Libra ... I can only dream of what I would have accomplished in the last 20 years with him beside me. Changing the past is not an option now, so I have to stay away from what it would have been like.
Okay, so I am crying now, but wait.... I'm happy. They're not really happy tears, but I'm still happy. The future looks a whole lot more hopeful than it did 9 months ago, or even 6 months ago. I don't feel that old familar panicky feeling when I think about the future. It's all still unknown, but I don't feel afraid or hopeless. That's a major change for me.
Being afraid....brings me to the next topic that Libra and I talked about this week. I don't even remember how we got on the topic of when I had last seen my husband, but I ended up telling Libra that there was oral sex involved. Libra had a strange look on his face and asked me why I didn't tell him. I wasn't really sure how to answer. Now that I've had time to think about it, I know the answer. I didn't think that I was important enough to Libra to warrant telling him. There were even moments when I thought that Libra expected that I would go back to my husband, as if he didn't think that I could make it.
We had another conversation similar in topic and I was really surprised to learn how differently Libra and I saw "us" back at the time that I split from my husband. I was, on a lot of days, just waiting for the day that Libra would break up with me. Too much effort, too much drama, too much baggage. That first month was very, very difficult and emotional for me. I went from living with my entire family to being alone. On top of that, there were intense emotions and feelings that I had for Libra. It really did feel horrible at times... I felt like I loved him way more than he would ever love me. That meant that I had to reign in my emotions, and true to form do something semi-destructive like see my husband. If I didn't make Libra my everything, then maybe it would hurt less when he was done with me. Anyway, Libra tells me that at that time he loved me. I told him I remember that's what he said, but I didn't take that to mean that he wanted to be with me for anything length of time.
I was so scared of losing myself in another man that might hurt me that I didn't see that when Libra said that he loved me he meant it. Three months after the split and not really believing Libra would stick around, I did for a couple of days even entertain the notion that things could be worked out with my husband. Libra had a pretty strong reaction to that, and I was really surprised. I had no intention of giving up my thing with Libra if I got back together with my husband, but Libra was having no part of that. He told me that we would completely part ways if I went back to my husband and that we could not even be friends. Being completely without Libra just wasn't acceptable. I still didn't really think he was going to stick around for long, but I knew that I wasn't ready to give him up. I told my husband adios again.
So then Libra asks me ...now that I have him in my life, what do I want and what am I going to do? This was the question that didn't require an answer. I told him that I really hadn't thought about it that way. See, I've been expending my energy making sure that I didn't ask myself any tough or insiteful questions. But now that Libra let the question out of the bag, I started to think about how much more confident I feel about accomplishing whatever I want, and just how great if feels to know that he'll be with me. Not that I need him to do anything for me, or even help me with whatever I want to accomplish (although I know that he will if I need him to), but there's a secure feeling knowing that he will at the very least simply be present for me and with me. This may seem basic and rudimentary to some, but for me this was a profound moment of self-realization.
Things have changed with us over the last couple of months, or it feels to me like it has changed. Maybe I just caught up to where Libra was already. It's like I have one of those "you are here" maps to Libra with a little arrow pointing to where I'm at, to where I belong. It's the ultimate happy place. I get to be me, be loved and love Libra. Turns out that "Us" is so much more than I ever dreamed we would be.
Libra's Mistress
posted by Libra's Mistress | 12:52 AM
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