Acting Out Old Scripts
I noticed a couple of things about myself over the last several days. Unpleasant things. Yet, unpleasant things noticed.
Before I leap off this cliff into what I noticed, I would like it to be noticed that I noticed. Imagine going through 40 years of your life totally fucked up and never noticing. This week, I noticed. Now that I've noticed, I have an opportunity to stop being totally fucked up and change the story. As in a previous post, easier blogged than done... but certainly not impossible.
So, on to what I noticed. A few weeks ago, I had a near melt down because Libra was encouraging me to look out of town for a new job. I did not want to go. I made a lot of excuses for why it wasn't a good idea. I don't want to move again. I don't want to commute very far. I don't want to be far away from Libra. A couple of days ago, I was thinking about those conversations with Libra and a thought popped into my head .... "This is you not going away to college....again."
A digression is needed for you to understand the gravity of that thought for me and why it stopped me dead in my tracks. My senior year of high school I applied to a small, private college about two hours from home. I knew many of the other students that were already attending there, and many students who would be enrolling when I was. These were kids that I spent summers with at camp and Thanksgiving weekend too. It was all planned. I was getting away from home, away from parents, just away. I was really looking forward to it. A week after I graduated from high school, I started dating a boy from my church. My first boyfriend. Almost from the first date we were inseparable. Two months later, I had cancelled all of my college plans to stay with him.
So, the situation with Libra brought all of that back up for me. My choice to throw away college on a boyfriend was a totally wrong choice for me. Not wrong because I was throwing away college, but wrong because it was about a lack of self-worth. I changed my plans because I was afraid of being forgotten, being forgettable, being replaceable. The revolting part is knowing that the girl who decided to blow off college is still in here. I still think that I'm easily forgotten, forgettable, and replaceable.
I wonder now about how many other times I've acted out this old script and made choices based on fear and a lack of self-worth. It's hard to believe that I did it 20 years ago, and then just now and not in between. What opportunities did I miss? What accomplishments have gone undone?
While in some ways I'm glad that I'm becoming more self-aware, it can be downright tedious and wearying. I still feel that I spend too much time thinking about what I don't have now and won't ever have, rather than being truly grateful for what I do have right now and all of the wonderful moments that are to come. I miss being someone's everything. I miss someone telling me that I'm the best thing that ever came into their life. I miss the days when someone only had eyes for me, only had a heart for me ... maybe I just thought that was the case. I have to ask myself if I really do need that level of attention, or if I just need to grow up and learn to be at ease being solo most of the time.
Finally, I find that the truth is not always easy to deal with. It's better than lies or silence in the long run. However, over most of my life I've practiced silence and ignoring unpleasantness so being openly truthful and hearing the truth all of the time wears on me.... from time to time. I find that telling the truth often involves me revealing or admitting to something about myself that I don't like. Listening to the truth challenges me in that perhaps one of these times there will be a truth spoken, a reality that I will not be willing to accept as part of my life. I'm afraid that it will be a toss up between drawing the line - saying that's not acceptable, or doing what I've always done - just accepted whatever was put before me and pretended that it was okay. I'm afraid that something will happen with Libra that will touch what should be my limits, and I'm going to have to choose. Will I be true to me, to who I want to be, to what I truly want? or Will I pretend that whatever he needs for himself is okay with me?
Only time will tell.
Libra's Mistress
Before I leap off this cliff into what I noticed, I would like it to be noticed that I noticed. Imagine going through 40 years of your life totally fucked up and never noticing. This week, I noticed. Now that I've noticed, I have an opportunity to stop being totally fucked up and change the story. As in a previous post, easier blogged than done... but certainly not impossible.
So, on to what I noticed. A few weeks ago, I had a near melt down because Libra was encouraging me to look out of town for a new job. I did not want to go. I made a lot of excuses for why it wasn't a good idea. I don't want to move again. I don't want to commute very far. I don't want to be far away from Libra. A couple of days ago, I was thinking about those conversations with Libra and a thought popped into my head .... "This is you not going away to college....again."
A digression is needed for you to understand the gravity of that thought for me and why it stopped me dead in my tracks. My senior year of high school I applied to a small, private college about two hours from home. I knew many of the other students that were already attending there, and many students who would be enrolling when I was. These were kids that I spent summers with at camp and Thanksgiving weekend too. It was all planned. I was getting away from home, away from parents, just away. I was really looking forward to it. A week after I graduated from high school, I started dating a boy from my church. My first boyfriend. Almost from the first date we were inseparable. Two months later, I had cancelled all of my college plans to stay with him.
So, the situation with Libra brought all of that back up for me. My choice to throw away college on a boyfriend was a totally wrong choice for me. Not wrong because I was throwing away college, but wrong because it was about a lack of self-worth. I changed my plans because I was afraid of being forgotten, being forgettable, being replaceable. The revolting part is knowing that the girl who decided to blow off college is still in here. I still think that I'm easily forgotten, forgettable, and replaceable.
I wonder now about how many other times I've acted out this old script and made choices based on fear and a lack of self-worth. It's hard to believe that I did it 20 years ago, and then just now and not in between. What opportunities did I miss? What accomplishments have gone undone?
While in some ways I'm glad that I'm becoming more self-aware, it can be downright tedious and wearying. I still feel that I spend too much time thinking about what I don't have now and won't ever have, rather than being truly grateful for what I do have right now and all of the wonderful moments that are to come. I miss being someone's everything. I miss someone telling me that I'm the best thing that ever came into their life. I miss the days when someone only had eyes for me, only had a heart for me ... maybe I just thought that was the case. I have to ask myself if I really do need that level of attention, or if I just need to grow up and learn to be at ease being solo most of the time.
Finally, I find that the truth is not always easy to deal with. It's better than lies or silence in the long run. However, over most of my life I've practiced silence and ignoring unpleasantness so being openly truthful and hearing the truth all of the time wears on me.... from time to time. I find that telling the truth often involves me revealing or admitting to something about myself that I don't like. Listening to the truth challenges me in that perhaps one of these times there will be a truth spoken, a reality that I will not be willing to accept as part of my life. I'm afraid that it will be a toss up between drawing the line - saying that's not acceptable, or doing what I've always done - just accepted whatever was put before me and pretended that it was okay. I'm afraid that something will happen with Libra that will touch what should be my limits, and I'm going to have to choose. Will I be true to me, to who I want to be, to what I truly want? or Will I pretend that whatever he needs for himself is okay with me?
Only time will tell.
Libra's Mistress
posted by Libra's Mistress | 3:19 AM
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