Random Journaling
Just some random journaling from a couple months ago.
I feel compelled to do and to get certain things to make me feel like my life is stable and comfortable, and real. Being alone is not something that I aspired to; however, this is what I have chosen, or this is a result of what I've chosen.
I choose him. To be with him in whatever way that we can be together. Boundaries have shifted and sometimes are fuzzy. To even write his name here would mean destroying these pages. If something should happen to me, I'm not sure who would be the ones to sort through my life. I can never take a chance of revealing in hard copy any detail of our relationship because no matter what, she must never know.
Everyday brings some kind of emotional quandry. Jealousy, envy, love..... of her and for her. Wanting to pull away and wanting to be near... to her and him, to all of them. I look at her and observe. I see things that I will never be or never have. Some sense of reason, and logic and calm that I do not possess.
I would never do anything to bring her pain or unhapiness. I would do, will do whaever is necessary to keep her from any knowledge of what I have with him. I can acknowledge that as benevolent as that sounds, I'm sure that it is more selfish and self-serving than it is benevolent.
If I allowed it, I could on any given day list a dozen reasons to what I'm doing, but there is one over-riding reason that I continue on this course: I want to continue on this course.
I know with suerty that I can live without him in my life. I know that my life would most certainly go on, but I do not want to know my life without him in it.
I thought at the beginning that it was just chance or coincidence. That we were opportunistic.. right elevator, right time. But really, I love to think that he wanted me. Not just as someone unhappy, willing and in need of adventure, but as someone that he wanted, that he saw something in me that I had forgotten about myself.
I hear nothing is a coincidence, nothing happens by chance. I hope that means that we were meant to be.
Libra's Mistress
I feel compelled to do and to get certain things to make me feel like my life is stable and comfortable, and real. Being alone is not something that I aspired to; however, this is what I have chosen, or this is a result of what I've chosen.
I choose him. To be with him in whatever way that we can be together. Boundaries have shifted and sometimes are fuzzy. To even write his name here would mean destroying these pages. If something should happen to me, I'm not sure who would be the ones to sort through my life. I can never take a chance of revealing in hard copy any detail of our relationship because no matter what, she must never know.
Everyday brings some kind of emotional quandry. Jealousy, envy, love..... of her and for her. Wanting to pull away and wanting to be near... to her and him, to all of them. I look at her and observe. I see things that I will never be or never have. Some sense of reason, and logic and calm that I do not possess.
I would never do anything to bring her pain or unhapiness. I would do, will do whaever is necessary to keep her from any knowledge of what I have with him. I can acknowledge that as benevolent as that sounds, I'm sure that it is more selfish and self-serving than it is benevolent.
If I allowed it, I could on any given day list a dozen reasons to what I'm doing, but there is one over-riding reason that I continue on this course: I want to continue on this course.
I know with suerty that I can live without him in my life. I know that my life would most certainly go on, but I do not want to know my life without him in it.
I thought at the beginning that it was just chance or coincidence. That we were opportunistic.. right elevator, right time. But really, I love to think that he wanted me. Not just as someone unhappy, willing and in need of adventure, but as someone that he wanted, that he saw something in me that I had forgotten about myself.
I hear nothing is a coincidence, nothing happens by chance. I hope that means that we were meant to be.
Libra's Mistress
posted by Libra's Mistress | 3:32 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home