The Ritual

I really need to blog more often, or at least when there's a lot happening with Libra and Me. Over the last few weeks, there has been a lot happening.

There have been moments when I'm certain that things are going to massively change, and when it's done we won't be as close. Sometimes, I'm wrong. Imagine that!! It's probably just my twisted little psyche and my crappy (but getting better) self-esteem fucking with me.

We went to a funeral for a family member of one of Libra's friends. I didn't know Libra's friend well. I had met him only briefly at a party at Libra's house, and had exchanged a couple of emails. I wasn't planning on going to the funeral even though I wanted to, as I wasn't sure if it was even appropriate. (We still have to be careful about where we're seen together, go together, meet up, etc...) Libra told me that he was going with one of his family members, so I left it at that. Then a few days before the funeral, he asked if I was going. So I went.

It was probably the nicest and happiest funeral I've ever been to. It was obvious to even me, a stranger, that this man was well loved by all that he knew. He was a family man married to the same woman for many years. People spoke of how he cared for his family and friends and how he always made time for them. He was a family man. I sat there listening and couldn't help but wonder what effect the discourse was having on Libra. (Yes, I was actually sitting at someone's funeral thinking about myself. I would usually feel very guilty about that, but I just can't be self-centered and guilt ridden at the same time. I know...I have issues.) I couldn't help thinking that day things were going to change with he and I. I thought that he might, upon this man's passing....someone he had known most of his life, feel some urge to separate from me and expend whatever time and energies he gives me back to his family....his wife and children. I certainly would not blame him for a decision like that or hold it against him. At that moment sitting in the funeral, the thought of him devoting all to her and them didn't even make me upset. It was more a feeling of resignation. As if it is the natural conclusion to our story.

Later that night, however, things seemed to take an unexpected turn. I wish that I could figure out what precipitates these particular turns, but so far I'm in the dark. I saw Libra at work that night for an hour or so. When he was on his way, he called me on my cell; which he usually does now. He started off by telling me about a fantasy that he has. He's sitting in the chair in his bedroom. I bring a man into the room. The man is not allowed to speak at all. I fuck the man. If the man speaks even one word, he's made to leave. When we're done fucking, he leaves.

Libra and I had a conversation earlier about me wanting to invite another man over on a night when we had invited 2 other women over (sounds like a party!!). Even though I was the one that brought the subject up and had even talked to a man that I had in mind, I found myself not really wanting to have sex with another man. First, Libra is the most exquisite lover that I have ever had, and I can't begin to imagine any other man ever pleasing me the way that he does. Why bother with another man when I'm getting what I need from the one that I already have? Then there's the emotional factor. I love Libra and don't like the thought of another man's dick in my pussy.

Women.....now that's a different story. I don't really have any desire to be in a relationship with a woman, but I'm still very interested in the sexual experimentation. Also, I found it very erotic watching Libra fuck the woman that I brought home not too long ago. I found myself mildly jealous when he was having a conversation with her, but watching him fuck her was great.

So back to our conversation on Libra's way home from work. Libra tells me about his fantasy and then says that he's starting to feel selfish with me. And, he feels bad about that since I allow him to be with other women. Then he asks me.... Can't we do something....to show that we are more..... Get married under fake names, do some sort of ritual or something? I told him Yes, if that's really what he wants to do. He told me that he wouldn't keep brining it up if it wasn't what he really wanted to do. The thought of doing something like that thrilled me... not legally binding, illegal, informal or otherwise. I have to ask myself what it really would mean. We would be the only ones to know. I could never tell anyone. I wouldn't be able to share my hapiness with anyone but Libra. It would be another secret for me to keep. Whether or not we ever do anything like that, it still made me feel so good that he wants to do it, and that he told me. And since we weren't having sex when he said it, I know it wasn't fuck talk. :-)

He also told me that night that if he had met me a long time ago, and that if I was anything then like I am now, that he would have loved me to death. He told me that I would never have had to go through everything that I've been through with Idiot #1 (that's what we call me 1st husband) or Idiot #2 (that's what we call the husband that I'm divorcing now). So many days I've gone to sleep wondering what my life would have been like if Libra had found me sooner.

I don't feel comfortable going into all the details, but suffice it to say that Libra, very shortly thereafter, came up with a plan for us to escape for a weekend and do this "we're more" thing. I'm still not sure of when it will be or what exactly we're doing, but it's been nice thinking about it. Since I'm never certain of what our future will be, I do my best to take each moment that we spend together and make it sacred and special.

I read about an old ritual in Scotland..the left-handed Handfast. The left-handed Handfasting was done between the nobleman and his Mistress. This was opposed to the right-handed Handfasting between the nobleman and his wife. The Mistress gained none of the legal benefits of the traditional Handfasting. She did gain the protection of the nobleman, and her children would have the same status as the children of the wife. Well I don't exactly need protection, and we're not having any children, but I still do find the whole Handfasting concept to be quite interesting.

I haven't spent much time with the Libras lately, and I miss it. Just laughing and talking. Watching TV. Just Being...with them. There are nights when I still wish I could just go over to their house, crawl into bed with Mr. and Mrs. Libra, and drift off to sleep.

In my dreams
Libra's Mistress

Tough Conversations and Tears

There has been more than one tough conversation over the last several weeks. Learning to communicate effectively with a man is, for me, no small feat. Some days I just don't know where we're going, and that's probably because we're not really going anywhere. This thing that we have just is what it is. It is right now what it most likely will always be. The dynamics between Libra and I change all the time, but the logistics will always be the same. It's them. The Libras. Mr. and Mrs. .... and then there's me.

I do from time to time, and more than I should, push out of my mind that he belongs to her, and she to him, and they to one another. It is of no consequence good or bad if I feel that my heart belongs to him, because his heart is not and will not ever be fully mine. I wonder at times if I or we are just prolonging the inevitable. That being making a conscious choice to alter this relationship, to end the sexual relationship and attempt to protect the friendship and the working relationship.

Because of circumstances that I have put myself in, every part of my life feels out of control... out of my control. Because it is MY life, I'm the only one that can right things and put them as they should be. I'm looking for a different job. Things are not going well for me at work. In addition to my personal issues with work is the fact that some people know about Libra and me, some people think they know, some people thought they knew and then changed their minds. At any rate, it's uncomfortable at work from time to time. What would normally be seen as innocent conversation, or simple interaction between co-workers is suspect. So it's time for me to go elsewhere.

I'm not used to putting myself first, or thinking about my own welfare. At times Libra pushes me in that direction and it gives me the most horrible feeling. It brings up attitudes and impulses... old attitudes and impulses... that I hate and am not sure are healthy. Push me a little and I want to run. Be aloof ....and it doesn't even have to be about me... and I'm ready to turn you off like a light switch. I'm faced right now with making changes that can be good for me personally, and singley, but my changes and choices will dramatically affect the time that Libra and I have together. He tells me that we will have quality time, not quantity, but I want both. Right now we work shifts that allow us the option of spending a good part of the day together almost every week day. When I change jobs, I will probably be on an opposing shift and we will have very, very little time together. Honestly, I don't see when we will have any time together. Libra tells me that I cannot make choices based on "us", and I know in my head that he is right. He tells me that I'm afraid of change and of the unknown, and I try to deny it. But, I know that he's right. In fact, I'm terrified. He suggested even that I look for a job out of town. That hurt. It went through me like a knife, even though I know that he didn't intend for it to. It feels and sounds like he's just hell bent on making me leave, go away, live my own life.

I should just be thankful for all of the extra time that we've had together for the last couple of months, and go on with my life. Easier said than done. The truth of the matter is that my normal reaction would be to stay at the shitty job and keep the schedule that I have just so I could have that time with him. What does that say about me, and will this ever not be my normal m.o.?

Right now, I just want to pick up and leave here. I want to run away. I want a thousand miles of physical space between us to be the reason that we can't be together. I want any other reason other than the true reason... that I'm just not worth sacrificing anything. On the flip, as I've said before.. I don't want him to leave her. I don't want him to leave his family. My intellect completely understands why things must be this way. But, it doesn't make my heart stop longing for him. I want to go back home to the state where I came from a good number of years ago. I want to visit a couple of old friends. Not tell them any of this. Just be with them like we used to be. Uncomplicated. Fun. Skinny dipping drunk. Breakfast on the beach. Walks downtown. My stress level is pretty high right now, and I so very much want and absolutely need a break. How far would I have to go and how long would I have to stay gone to get over Libra or at least get some perspective on MY life? I'm not sure what the answer is, but I know I've been at this crossroads before or one very like it. Sometimes I just have to let some things quietly fade away. Let the intensity fade before it overwhelms me.

Libra saw a segment on a morning show the other day about women that have affairs with married men. I asked him what they said. He told me that it wasn't fair to me, and said "How can I say that I love you and not give you my all?" He asked me to promise him that when I'm ready to move on that I will just tell him. He told me that he thinks I'm worth more, and asked me if I thought I was worth more. I answered "yes". More will never come to me, I'll never find more or have more while I'm still standing on this spot pining away over something that will never be. I asked him what he thought the worst and best case scenarios were for us. His answers were very different from the ones in my head. His worst was Mrs. Libra finding out and separating from him. His best was Mrs. Libra and I developing a relationship that would allow the three of us to be together. At that moment more than any other thus far I realized how very much he loves her. He loves her more. She is his life. She will be with him all his life. She is truly the priority. Me.... I'm an option. I don't mean that in a harsh way, but I do mean it in a realistic way. Reality does in fact bite, at least some of the time.

My worst case scenario - being completely separated from Libra. My best case scenario - being with Libra, sharing a life together. Selfish on my part .... Yes. But it's honest. I didn't tell him my worst and best. He tried to ask me but I squirmed out of answering by saying that I asked him first.

After all these months, I know who I am with Libra. Now, it's just time to find out who I am.

I layed in their bed yesterday to take a nap before I went to work. I cried on her pillow. Then, I turned over and cried on his pillow. Quietly, calmly, resolutely. Then I went to sleep.

Libra's Mistress