My World Comes Crashing

The week after my emotions went out of control (and stayed there), my fucked up little world came crashing down.

My landlord called me at work around the 16th of the month, and told me that our rent had not been paid from the 1st. My husband had supposedly taken care of that. It was $1200 that I knew he would not be able to account for. This financial issue on top of everything else I was feeling was just too much. I decided right then, I was done, and it was over.

It wasn't that I did not love my husband. I did love him, or at least thought that I loved him. We had struggled for so very long, doing nothing more than surviving for so many years. We had not accomplished anything significant in more than 7 years. My requests for us to sit down and talk about our marriage, our goals together, our personal goals, all went unheeded.

By this time, I had been taking much better care of myself. I looked better. I felt better. It was then that I began to wonder how far down would he have let me slide. I was in horrible shape when Libra found me. If he had not found me, how much farther down would my husband have let me go? Would I have lived in devastating depression the rest of my life? Would I have just faded away? Would I have ended my own life? It's impossible to know what would have been, but I do know that any outcome I can think of is at the very least unpleasant. I became angry with my husband, and bitter.

On top of his lack of maturity and our communication issues, was his recent lack of attentiveness. He was on the computer all the time, on a site with webcams. When we went out to a bar for my birthday, he was gawking at other women and making comments about them to me. He had never done that in all our years together. The last thing I was hanging on to was disintegrating.

So that night after the landlord called, my husband called me from work. He could tell something was up and asked me repeatedly what was wrong. I told him over and over that we would talk when he got home from work, but that wasn't good enough. He wanted to know right then. So, I told him. Told him that it was over. Told him I was tired of surviving. Told him that he should move on and find someone fertile to bear his children. I didn't ask where the money went or ask him any of the really important questions. I didn't want to know. I just didn't care anymore. He came home in the morning and gathered his personal belongings. He didn't want anything else. I helped him carry his shit to the car, and it was over.

I was left to deal with the shit storm over the rent. It was like this: you've got 4 days to get out, or get evicted. It was up to me to handle every detail. My two younger children and I had to pack up the entire house in a hurry. I was physically exhausted, and mentally and emotionally overwhelmed.

I had planned to make some kind of life with my kids that were still living at home, but they had other plans that didn't include living with me. In a very short period of time, it went from me living with 5 other people and 2 dogs in a 3 bedroom house, to me living alone in a 1 bedroom apartment. The adjustment was very difficult, to put it mildly. There were a couple of times when I didn't think I could get through it.

I didn't leave my husband for Libra, but I probably would not have left my husband if I hadn't had the relationship that I did with Libra. As difficult as it was to make this change, I would most certainly do it all again. Now, I can do what I want to do. I don't do what I think I should do, or what I think someone else expects of me (well, maybe a little). Some might call me selfish, or self-centered. They might even be right to a degree. But, fuck them anyway. I like doing what makes me happy, and I don't plan on stopping any time soon.

Libra's Mistress

Saturday

The adventure was about two months old when this particular Saturday rolled around. Mrs. Libra was out of town, and Libra invited me to come over on Saturday morning. I had to work later that day, but we would at least have the entire morning together.

I was supposed to meet Libra at his house when he got off work at about 7:30. I was up most of the night, unable to go to sleep thinking about seeing him the next day. It was going to be the first time we would have that much time available to spend together. This was a golden opportunity for us, and I over slept.

I got up and pulled myself together as fast as I could, then called Libra to apologize for running late. I felt so terrible knowing that he had been working all night, and I wasn't on time.

Getting dressed... Well, Libra had requested that I show up at his house in nothing but black thigh highs, black heels and a coat. The problem was I couldn't leave my house dressed like that. I put on the thigh highs, jeans, a tshirt and the heels, and grabbed my short black raincoat. Luckily, it was just long enough to cover my ass. I threw the rest of the things I needed to wear to work in a bag to take with me since I'd be going from Libra's straight to work.

I hopped in the car and headed down the road toward Libra's. It was going to be at least a 30 minute drive. In addition, I still had to find a way to get out of the jeans and tshirt and on with the rain jacket. I ended up pulling into a convenience store parking lot not too far from Libra's house. I parked at the end of the building. First I had to take off the heels. I couldn't get my jeans off with the shoes on. I knew this was going to be a problem because the shoes had an ankle cuff that had to be buckled, and I couldn't do that sitting in the driver's seat of my car. Off came the shoes. I put on the rain jacket and buttoned it up. Pulled my arms inside the tshirt and pulled it over my head. Slid the jeans off. So far so good. Now to the get the shoes back on and buckled. Definitely a problem. I ended up having to get out of my car, and put my foot up on the door jamb to get the shoes buckled. This really wouldn't have been so bad, except I had to bend over wearing the short raincoat. Even that wouldn't have been so bad, but next to where I was parked there was another business, and there were several men standing outside. Who knows what they saw, but I was in too much of a hurry to worry about it for long. I got the shoes buckled and went on my way.

I parked my car, and dragged my trampy white ass up to the front door. Libra had left the door unlocked for me. I was so hoping that none of the neighbors saw me, especially dressed like I was. That would have been a hard one to explain.


I went up the stairs to Libra's bedroom. There was a candle burning. He was laying on his stomach on the bed watching television. I felt so bad. He must have been so tired. By this time, I think I was almost two hours late. He never did say anything about how late I was that day.

Before I continue, I'm going to go slightly off this topic to a new topic .... Nudity and Being Self-Conscious. For a big girl, this should probably be a whole separate post to this blog, but I'll try to be brief and to the point. I was, in general, self-conscious about my body. I had been through several pregancies and a pretty major weight gain in the few preceding years. I didn't even get fully naked in front of my husband until we had been together almost three years. In the first 2 months of the adventure with Libra, I had been pretty careful about harsh lighting and too much skin. Once when we were in "the spot" with the light off, he told me to turn around (which was pretty customary). Then he said "Now, don't freak out". I couldn't imagine what he was going to do. He turned on the light so he could look at my ass. That really makes me laugh now looking back on it. Bottom line, I had managed the lighting and nudity issue to the best of my ability. I'll go back on topic now, but we'll come back here again before I close.

Libra turned over on the bed and started unbuttoning my coat. He got up off the bed, finished unbuttoning the coat, and took it off of me. The self-consciousness that I expected to feel never came. He pulled a blindfold out from under the pillows on the bed, put it over my eyes and tied it. He told me to get up on the bed and lay on my back, which I did. Then he tied my hands loosely to the corners of the headboard. I had never been blindfolded or bound in any way before. More new things for me. I was so at ease with Libra.

As I laid there, I felt Libra move in between my legs. I could feel his hot breath on my pussy, but that was all. It seemed like he stayed right there, not touching me, for the longest time. In retrospect, I wonder if he was attempting to motivate me to say what I wanted him to do, but I didn't. I moved one of my hands down to touch him. He pushed my hand back, and made this sound. It was clear that I wasn't supposed to do that again. Finally, I felt his tongue on my pussy, but it felt like he was teasing me. I kept trying to move closer, but it just wasn't working.

Libra finally said "Say it". At first I wasn't sure what he was talking about, but he cleared that up for me. In previous conversations that we had, Libra told me that he wanted me to call him some nasty names while we were having sex. I had a problem with that, and the names he wanted me to call him. It just wasn't something that I would ever say. I knew that if I didn't say it, this teasing torture was going to continue. I forced myself to say it, and it was obvious that he loved it. Now, I would get what I wanted. There was no more teasing. He was on that pussy like he never had been before. I told him not to stop. It felt so good. He answered me in THE cockiest tone of voice "Oh...I'm not gonna stop". He didn't stop until he made me cum.

Unfortunately, I don't remember anything else about the sex that day, but when we were done, he untied my hands and layed his head on me. Fuck, that was a moment I won't forget.

*Note to self: Remember to call Libra some nasty names the next time we're together. :-)

Back to the off topic Nudity and Being Self-Conscious. I can't remember a time before Libra when I was having sex with anyone that I didn't feel self-conscious. If the lights were on, I was definitely not in the moment. I was wondering how bad I looked. Oh god, don't put my legs up like that....that can't look good. You want to look at what?? It was just awful. I don't feel like that with Libra. I'm not really sure of the exact reason. It might be that I trust him. It might be that I just don't give a fuck anymore. It doesn't really matter why. It only matters that it's so. Not being preoccupied let's me enjoy myself a whole lot more. I think enjoying yourself more is just a good thing all around.

Libra's Mistress

Emotions Out of Control

So we're a couple months into this adventure and I'm falling so hard for Libra, and it just can't be. I was still living with my husband, but had decided that I was going to leave him. I was struggling with how I was going to tell him. I wasn't leaving my husband for Libra. I was leaving my husband because of all of the issues that had been present and unresolved for years. The difference now was I was no longer ignoring the issues. I was struggling to keeping the affair with Libra and all of the emotions that were rising up separate from what was going on in my marriage. I knew that one could have nothing to do with the other, and keeping it separate was extremely taxing mentally and emotionally.

I didn't realize going into the affair with Libra that I was going to get so much emotional satisfaction. At the beginning, I just wanted to get some sexual satisfaction and maintain our friendship. I wasn't doing well keeping any kind of healthy perspective. I had to remind myself daily that he would never be mine. I had to tell myself that we would never be together no matter what. That we would never spend even one night together.

At the same time, Libra had a very delicate way of keeping me in my place. He would tell me that I would outgrow him and our relationship. He never said anything mean, or even remotely hateful, but I felt pushed away.... and hard. There was a space between us, a boundary. Even though things now are very different than they were 4 and half months ago, it still hurts me to think about how I was feeling at that time. It brings tears to my eyes. I was without a sense of belonging. I knew that I no longer belonged with my husband, and I felt that Libra was making it clear and undeniable that I did not belong with him either.

Just when I felt that he didn't care, he would do little things that made think that he did care. Honestly these things are not more than a true friend would do. If you've even seen the movie "The Mirror Has Two Faces", Barbara Streisand's character is looking for a man that knows the little things about her: the kind of toothpaste she uses, how she likes her salad, extra dressing on the side, etc... Part way through the movie, she sees that her love interest (who incidentally is maintaining a space between them) knows all those little things that she wanted someone to know. Knowing those things about her was equal to love for her. So, I think Libra is pushing me away and he starts mentioning the places that we get lunch, and what I always order, and that if we share a piece of cake I want the top part with the icing. Perhaps that was meaningless, but it certainly kept me hooked.

I was twisted up in knots that month and the one after, too. It didn't matter how much I tried to think about something else, anything else.. he was in my conscious thoughts 90% of the time. Even though I couldn't control my emotions, I knew that I could control my actions. So, I had to go with just that. I loved Libra as my friend, and now I was falling in love with him. Really, I had fallen and I didn't even want to get up.

Libra's Mistress

Friday

It was a Friday about two weeks into our adventure. I knew that Libra would be alone that evening. I left my house on a fast food run for the kids and called Libra on his cell. He asked what I was doing, and I told him I was escaping my house for the evening. We decided to meet. I took the food home and told my family that I was going shopping. I got back in my car, and drove in Libra's direction.

I told Libra that I would come to his house, since his family was out for the evening. He knew that I still felt creepy about being in his house, so he suggested that we meet at a motel instead. He called me back a few minutes later and gave me directions. It felt so good that night to get in my car and just drive, leaving all household troubles behind. I felt free. It felt so powerful to simply do something that I wanted to do without overthinking it, and talking myself out of it.

When I got to the motel and pulled around the side, there was Libra leaning on the railing of the 2nd floor walkway. He had on a blue shirt and a ball cap. God, he looked so good, and I was so happy to see him. I went upstairs and we went into the room.

There are a couple of things I would change about that night: 1. I would have most definitely turned off my cell phone. 2. I would have taken things slower, savored the moments more completely, and stayed with him longer.

Of course, I insisted that the lights be off, but there was a little bit of light that peeked through the curtains from outside. I took my clothes off and layed on the bed. For whatever reason, in those first few minutes I felt rushed, like we had to hurry even though we really didn't. Libra was obviously more relaxed than I was, and I could feel it. He wasn't in a rush. I layed on my stomach and he ran his hands over my back. I loved those beautiful hands running over my skin.

I wish that I had journaled all of this that very night while every detail was fresh in my mind. I'm sure that I've forgotten some wonderfully delicious detail that would make me smile even now. I wonder what Libra would say if I asked him about that night, asked him what details he remembers. Perhaps between the two of us, we would remember everything.

Libra got in bed and went down on me. He was so gentle. I mentioned in a previous blog that no one had ever touched me like Libra. His tongue felt so good. I didn't have an orgasm, but I was certainly warming up a lot better than I had in "The Spot", or in Libra's house. When he was done licking my pussy, he did something that he almost always does. Every time he does it, even to this day, it absolutely turns me inside out. I just realized that I've never told him how much I like it. He pushed his shoulders against the back of my thighs as he was getting up, moving his head towards mine. Simple thing, right? I wish I could describe eloquently the way that he touches me. The way that I feel when he touches me. I only can find words to describe these things with simplicity, but the sensations and feelings are so incredibly complex.

He got up on his knees, between my knees which were up against him, grabbed ahold of my legs by the top of my thighs and pulled me towards him. Holy Shit! If that wasn't a moment. In that one single moment, I wasn't the fat girl. I wasn't the big girl. This man had just grabbed ahold of me and moved me where he wanted. For an average size woman, that probably seems like a very simple thing, but I'm sure most of the big girls would agree that it's a very big deal. That one simple thing probably did more for my self-esteem than anything else Libra had said or done thus far. I've never told him that either. At any rate, at that moment, I was on top of the world.

So now Libra slides his big, black, wonderful dick into me. (And Yes, I will be talking more about Libra's dick in future blogs...it's that great.) I'm on top of the world. I've got my legs wrapped around him. Then came the moment when I thought I might actually have a mid-fuck, dick-in-my-pussy orgasm. I could feel that warm feeling rising up. There it was, and I just let it wash over me in utter disbelief. It had been so, so, so long since I had experienced that kind of an orgasm, and even then it had always seemed to be fluke that couldn't be duplicated. I was in shock. I just thought of a third thing I would have done differently that night. I would have been 1000% more vocal when I had that orgasm. I wish that I had let Libra know right at that very moment just how monumental that moment was for me, and I didn't. Wow, I really regret that now.

We layed on the bed and talked for a little while. Libra told me how extra sexy he thought I had looked for the last couple of weeks, but he also told me that if I just put my hair in a ponytail, didn't put on make up, called it a day, and came to work...that was good too. As we were laying there, I propped my foot up on the wall next to the bed. He said "Your legs are so beautiful". That compliment was a really big deal to me. All my life I had been told that I had such a pretty face, with the unspoken .... if you would only lose some weight. Then along comes Libra, and he doesn't just give me the standard "you have a pretty face". He tells me that I'm sexy, that he likes my ass, and now my legs are beautiful. It was like the difference between having someone address you as part of a group, and having someone pick you out of a crowd and speak directly to you. It was personal.

We fucked at least one more time that evening, which dazed me when Libra initiated it. I just had become so accustomed to the sad excuse for a sex life I had at home. There hadn't been a round 2 for more than 6 years in my bedroom. It amazes me how numb I had become, and so used to being unsatisfied. I was laying on my stomach. Libra got up, got between my legs, put his hands on my hips. It didn't take me a second to get up on my knees. I'm sure you already know, I loved it.

It seemed like my cell phone rang incessantly, and I still can't remember why I didn't just turn it off. Finally, I felt like I really had to get going. It wasn't like me to go out alone, let alone out late. I put my clothes on and left.

I cried most of the way home that night. I cried because I left Libra in the motel room, and I really wanted to stay there with him forever. I cried for what I had lost in my marriage. I cried for the baby that my husband and I never had together. I cried because I was changing, and that was scary and honestly painful. I did not, however, cry one tear of remorse or guilt for having spent the evening with Libra in that motel room. With every moment that I spent with Libra, I felt more alive and more like me than I had in years. For that I was not sorry or sorrowful.

The next day at work, Libra tossed the motel key over the cubicle divider onto my desk. It took me a second to figure out what it was. I kept it. I'll keep it always.

Libra's Mistress

My First Visit To Libra's House

The first time Libra asked me to come to his house, I backed out. I think something came up at home, and I was reliveved that I couldn't go. I had a terrible fear that we would get caught, and I knew that would ruin everything that was only just beginning. I also had floating around in the back of my mind the remembrance of how I felt when I found out that my first husband had brought another woman into our home, into our bed. It wasn't pleasant.

It didn't take very long for me to change my mind, and push that old remembrance far, far away. Libra and I both had the same day off that week, and he asked me to come to his house in the daytime while Mrs. Libra was at work. At this point, not even 2 weeks into this, I would have met him anywhere he asked me to. His house was beautiful, and more so it was a home. That first time in his home, I felt awkward and completely out of place. I had that horrible sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I didn't care. I wanted to be with him. I had to be with him. If that horrible feeling was the cost, then it would have to be so and I was willing to pay.

We ended up having sex in an area of the house he used for work. On the floor sex. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd had floor sex. The room was very dark which suited me just fine. I wasn't yet comfortable getting bare in the light. That would have been out of the question at that time. I think that day was the first time that Libra went down on me, and he was so different from any other man that I had been with. He was so present. I realized later that I was present, too. Usually during sex, I would just go somewhere else, or be entirely wrapped up in the anxiety of wondering if I would actually get off this time. It was the first time that I had ever felt like I was "with" someone, not just one of two people going through motions to please themselves. I was right there in that room with him; all of me. I was still to nervous to even get close to an orgasm, but it still felt so good. I had never had a man that seemed to enjoy more having his face in my pussy than Libra did. He made me feel so wanted, so desirable. That was a very different scenario for me.

Then, he fucked me with that big, black dick. Every time he fucked me it felt better, but I still didn't have an orgasm. That had not been unusual for me for so many years, so it didn't really concern me much. After he came in my pussy, and sat back, he said "I haven't found your rhythm". And I said "You will". I was really thinking, "God, I want you to find it." I wasn't even sure that we would be together again. This adventure still felt as if it would be so very fleeting. But, I knew that if we had enough time and opportunity that he would most certainly find my rhythm, because he wanted to find it.

As I sat there waiting for the blood to return to my brain, Libra started talking. Maybe I should call it chattering. At any rate, I don't think I've ever heard a man talk more after sex! It almost made me laugh. Then he laughed and said "I just realized that a coworker has seen me naked". It was so dark that I really didn't see shit, but I never did tell him that.

I wanted to kiss him, wrap my arms around him, run my hands all over him from head to toe, but there wasn't time. I didn't know then how many times there would be over the following months when there wouldn't be enough time. I didn't stay long after that, just put my panties and jeans back on and left.

I don't remember another detail about that day. Don't remember how I felt. Don't remember what story I used to get out of the house. Don't remember feeling guilty. In all of my encounters with Libra, I never felt guilty for betraying my husband. I remember feeling upset and very emotional about issues within my marriage, but I never felt guilty about being with Libra.

When my children figured out what was going on, the younger ones that were still living at home were unphased. They felt that my husband was neglectful of me, and were happy to see the changes that I was making in myself. Happy to see me smile, and not look like I had just been run over by a semi. My oldest son, however, who had been at times closer to my husband was quite upset when I explained to him what had happened. My unhapiness in my marriage and the choice that I made to end it affected all of us in major ways. I told my son, "I wish that I could tell you I was sorry for what I've done, but that would be a lie. If presented with the same circumstances knowing the consequences full well, I would do it all again". I had carried guilt around with me for my entire life, and I made up my mind that I would not feel guilty about my relationship with Libra, no matter the outcome.
Libra's Mistress

Communication & Conversation

Libra and I did a lot of communicating through a messenger program at work. We talked about so many different things. I wish that I had saved everyone of those chats, but I'm sappy like that.

It really didn't take long for me to start revealing little bits of information about my past sexual encounters, things that I could never tell my husband. But, Libra would usually say "When you tell me things like that, it makes me love you more." It is so liberating to be open and honest, not to have to keep secrets. I don't have to be afraid that Libra will abandon me if the truth is known. I told him about my bisexual curiousity. This was something that I could never have discussed with my husband in all the years we were together, but I revealed it to Libra in a matter of weeks. I don't have to pretend to be whoever Libra wants me to be. I can just be me. I'm expected to be me. If I fail to be authentic, I know that Libra will call me on it.

I really want to emphasize how comfortable I felt just being myself with Libra. Most men that I have been with communicated to me in one way or another "I need you to change who you are, hide who you are, and be this for me". With Libra, the dialogue was more "You just be you, but let me tell you what I need". Again, it's liberating for me. That's not to say that he doesn't challenge me on all the fucked up shit that's in my head, or the worthless baggage that I've been carrying with me for years, because he does challenge me.

Libra is big on honest, open communication. He never sugar coats anything for me. Even if the truth and what's real is not pleasant, the truth is spoken. Because of this, I learned to trust, and grow to trust him more and more. I don't have to translate what he says into what he probably means. I've caught myself several times second guessing what he said, wondering if he really meant something else. I have to remind myself that this Libra, not the other men from my past. At the very least it has been a huge life lesson for me regarding the vitality of honest communication. I don't feel selfishly manipulated or coerced because Libra is trustworthy.

That being said, I still feel afraid to say what's on my mind when it's not pleasant. All my life, I have had to temper my words to live in someone else's world. Since I was a small child, I've had my own running dialog in my head of what I really want to say, and then the dialog that allows me to survive in someone else's world. It makes me very sad to know that at the age of four, I had mastered that skill. Even more sad that I continued using it as a mechanism to cope throughout my adult life thus far.

Contributing to my two failed marriages is the fact that I would rather remain silent, and bear the full weight of any problem or crisis, rather than speak my mind and bear the reaction of my spouse to whatever is at issue. Even if the issue or problem is not my fault, I still would choose to hide the problem, and shoulder the burden alone. It is just within the last week that I realized that normal people in healthy relationships argue and have unpleasant conversations. I had to actually ask one of my friends about it.... "Is that what normal people do?" It scares me to death. When I'm around couples that are having even a mild disagreement, it goes right through me. It makes me uncomfortable, makes my heart pound. This is my reaction when the issue has nothing to do with me!!! I know that I will never be able to engage in another relationship until I have resolved this issue, or at least have the courage to embrace healthy conflict.

Libra raised the bar for me in so many ways. I won't be able to accept less than what I really want in a future partner. I know now that I need a man that is strong, able to confront me, demands authenticity, challenges me, communicates effectively, and will tell me what he wants and needs. I know now that I can't keep secrets because I'm afraid of rejection. I'm still working at realizing my own value, and of accepting nothing less than what I truly want. It will take an extremely exception man to top Libra, but I'll never settle for anything less.

For now, Libra and I are engaged in this dance. Some days we're closer than others. Some days he has more time for me than others. Some days my heart aches to be with him. Some days I get the feeling that he is pulling away, and that may just be my insecurity pricking me. I know in my head that the reality is that what we are now sharing could be over in an instant, but my heart tells me that I'm not yet ready to give him up. Plus, the sex is phenomenal!

Libra's Mistress

One Week In

Libra asked me to wear a skirt to work a couple days before my birthday. I had a dress hanging in my closet that I had never worn...brown with aqua trim, slinky but not too slinky for work. I hadn't worn a dress for almost 7 years. I wore some sexy heels. Fixed my hair. Put on makeup. My husband gave me a look while I was getting ready. I told him that we were going to go out that night after I got off work for my birthday, and I felt like dressing up. The lies had begun.

I was so uncomfortable when I got to work. I felt so conspicuous. I felt half naked. My thong was riding up my ass. I was not at all comfortable. But, when Libra looked at me, I could tell he was pleased, and that was all I really cared about. We were only 1 week into this adventure, and I craved his attention already so much.

On that occasion and many more while we still sat adjacent to one another, he would message me to pull my skirt up higher...higher. He pushed my limits, little by little. Most of the time, it was uncomfortable, but at the same time so arousing. I loved those times, because he seemed so focused on me. (We've already established that I'm an attention whore.)

When we were alone in the department that day while I was on a call, he got under the desk, touched my leg, kissed my foot and my ankle. It was all I could do to continue talking on the phone. It sounds like such a simple thing now that I'm writing about it, but it was so unexpected and sexy. Everything with him felt so good. I was almost 40 years old, and I could say "No one has ever done that to me". I didn't expect that at my age I would be doing anything different or new to me. Was I ever wrong!

I don't remember much more about the rest of the time we were alone that day. I do remember him coming around to my desk, some groping, some kissing. We fucked in "The Spot" (term coined to refer to the mensroom). I ended up with a cum spot on the back of my dress, and I loved it. Bottom line, it was a feel good day. The more interaction I had with him, the more I wanted him. He always left me feeling better about myself.

Libra's Mistress

The Beginning - Part Two

In just a day or so we graduated from the elevator to a stairwell. I felt a little frazzled, every noise made me jumpy. I didn't want anyone to catch us with my shirt half up.

In just another day, we hit the mensroom. This restroom was a single service restroom, probably meant to be the handicap restroom. On a postive note, it was private. On a negative note, it was right next to the elevator that most people in the building used. There was always that lurking feeling that someone was going to catch us. That first time (Yes, there were many, many other times) we hit the mensroom was exhilarating. It felt so good just to be near him, that warm feeling that started in my stomach and spread out all over me. Then there was the way he smelled. Absolutley drove me crazy. The first time we had sex was in that restroom, me bent over trying to keep my balance hanging onto the handicap wall bars, teetering on one high heel. When he slid his big, black dick in my pussy it was heaven. It had been so long since I'd had a big, hard dick in me. I didn't have an orgasm that day, but I didn't even care. I felt that old familar rush, like tasting an old addiction. (Did I mention that I have an addictive personality?).

Libra became my new addiction. I thought about him almost constantly. In the first few weeks, I hardly slept. I laid awake for hours and hours at night thinking about him. The more I got, the more I wanted, and wanted, and wanted. I loved the way he touched me, and handled me. There was nothing tenative or hesitant. His touch was firm, and wanting. No one had ever touched me quite that way. I lived to come to work so I could be near him, look over the cubicle wall and see his eyes, listen to the sound of his voice while he was working. I stopped comfort eating and started losing weight. I started taking off layers and layers of baggage and starting finding myself again.

I started putting on make up and fixing my hair. I bought new bras and panties .... pretty,sexy ones! I hadn't worn sexy lingerie since before the new millenium began. I started taking better care of myself. I indulged in things that I liked, things that made me feel better about me. I may never understand it, but the world and everyone in it looks different when your hair and make up are done, and you have on a sexy bra and matching panties. It felt so good to go to work with my head held a little higher, feeling good about myself. At the beginning it was good just not to feel hideous anymore.

All the while, Libra was still my friend. It was great to have someone to talk to about anything and everything. He was like a mentor, a life coach. He was constantly building me up, challenging me, and the garbage I had come to accept in my head and in my life. I started to feel like my life was expanding. Pushing the envelope became destroying the envelope. Thinking outside the box had to become "there is no box".

Knowing how bad I felt and looked, I still don't know how he got past that to see anything to be interested in. At first, I thought that he picked me because I was married, and that would somehow make things less complicated for him. After thinking about that for a minute, I realized that I didn't care why he picked me. I felt good when I was with him. I felt good about myself when I was with him. I felt hopeful about my life as a unique individual when I was with him. It was the beginning, the infatuation, and it all felt good.

Libra's Mistress

The Beginning

Definition of mistress from http://www.m-w.com/: "a woman other than his wife with whom a married man has a continuing sexual relationship".

I met Libra the first day I started my new job. He was funny, cocky, had incredible hands (the kind a pianist would notice), and an infectious laugh.

These were my cursory observations alone. I had long given up looking at men, or women for that matter, for any extended length of time or depth. I had stopped looking at people or things with any desire. I didn't deserve anything that I really wanted, so there was no point in wanting or even in looking very hard. I was, on that day by my own account, invisible, dumpy, dowdy, tired and worn.

I hadn't always been that way. When I moved to the state of my current residence about 7 years prior, I was confident, assertive, beautiful, full of life, sexually active, sexually confident. The reason for my move to this state was twofold: the man that I met on the internet who eventually became my husband lived in this state, and I obtained a great job offer here. The move was exciting with all of the new people to meet and places to see. It was bittersweet because I missed my family, and my children who stayed behind for three months while I found a house and got the household in order. Nonetheless, I felt it was a wise move for me, and the adventure for which I had been longing.

Unfortunately, it did not take me long to realize that my new live-in boyfriend had some insecurity issues, and was afraid that I would run off with some other man. My solution, sad as it turned out to be, was to make myself unattractive, fat, and for all intents and purposes, invisible. If you look gross, then no one will pay any attention to you, right? If no one pays any attention to you, then you have no one to run off with, right? It took about a year to ramp up the process to dumpy and from there it got continually worse over the next 6 years or so. On top of that, I found that I had to keep secrets. My boyfriend had been far less promiscuous than I had, or than I assumed (red flag) he had. I could not divulge any of my past sexual encounters because my new boyfriend had an aversion to sluts...and oh I was a slut.

My husband never seemed to notice that over the years I was coming apart at the seams, or if he did notice he never said anything. Neither did he ever treat me any differently. He always looked at me the same way, as if I were the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Never spoke of my weight gain. I could never decide if love was blind, or if he was satisfied that no one would notice me. I did feel very loved, and for that I was thankful.

At any rate, this is the state that I found myself in on the first day of my new job when I encountered Libra. Looking back now, it horrifies me to think of how I looked coming to work everyday. No make-up. Hair undone. Dumpy (that's with a captial D) clothes. Ugly shoes. I can't imagine why anyone would speak to me, especially a man! At this same time, things were crazy at home, one upheaval after another. Crisis after crisis. Crazy work hours. Basic unrest.

Libra and I sat adjacent to one another with a cubicle partition between us. Basically, we could only see each other from the eyes up. The work environment was fast-paced, but we talked here and there. He always had something interesting to say. Something intelligent to say. Something inspiring to say. Something funny to say. Something sarcastic to say. In the midst of the craziness and unrest of my personal life, Libra was an oasis.

Not much time went by, and I found myself looking for his car in the parking lot when I got to work. If his car wasn't there, my heart would sink because I knew the day would pass slowly. A co-worker once said to me, "Well I guess you're not going to talk to anyone today, because when Libra is not here you don't talk to anyone". I hadn't realized it was that noticeable.

A couple of times, we ate lunch together in the cafeteria. After I told my husband, he made a sideways comment about me going to lunch with Libra, my boyfriend. I dismissed his comment. On one of our lunch breaks, I was telling Libra about a job I saw posted in another city, and that I was thinking of applying for it. He said "That's a shame, I was planning on having an affair with you." I laughed it off and told him I would have to run that by my husband. I was busy trying to be invisible, knew I looked like hell most of the time, so a comment like that almost felt like an insult. It was also an eeeewww moment for me, because Libra is married. I didn't really appreciate joking around about infidelity because my first husband had cheated on me many times. I just accepted it as a joke and went on.

Another time, we went out to his car for something and he commented that he liked the thought of me in his car. Again, I accepted it as a joke and went on. I couldn't accept it as anything else, because I couldn't imagine that anyone could be attracted to me.

About six months after we started our jobs, on a particularly slow workday, several of us were having a good, fun, lively conversation. I told a story of a crazy old lady at a bus stop that told me "You know those brothers love your big white ass", and we all laughed. I got up from my desk to go to the restroom. When I walked by Libra's desk (for the record..he is a big, black man:-), he said "That crazy old lady was right". Well, that certainly did get my attention. I'm a big girl, and in all my years, I had never had anyone say anything remotely nice about my ass. Did I mention that I'm an attention whore???

After that, I can't even remember how the instant messenger chat proceeded, but it didn't take long until the conversation turned to sex, and affairs, and us. I asked him why he wanted to have an affair. His answer: Adventure. I have to tell you that an adventure sounded so good, but I still wasn't sure. After I married husband #2, I had from time to time thought of old lovers and past adventures. I missed the chase, the rush, and the chemistry that I had never felt with my husband. But, until this moment, I had never ever entertained a thought of cheating on my husband. Libra and I decided to meet in the elevator. One kiss, closed mouth and one hug. I told him, no more kissing, but I hadn't felt that good for so long. I hadn't felt anything for so long. The next time we met in the elevator, there was most certainly more kissing. I wanted to touch him, kiss him.... I wanted him!

After all the years of being invisible, Libra saw me. He reminded me that it was okay to be me. From the start until now, 6 months out, there are many wonderful things that I've experienced, and things that he has given me. But, at the top of the list is that he saw me even though I was trying not to be seen. He listened to me when I'm not sure that I had anything of much value to say. He saved my life.

I've had friends tell me he's just using me to fill a void in his marriage. If true, then I've been using him as well to fill the void that was in my marriage. Maybe it's true love, and maybe he just wanted to grab my booty.

Libra's Mistress