Random Journaling

Just some random journaling from a couple months ago.

I feel compelled to do and to get certain things to make me feel like my life is stable and comfortable, and real. Being alone is not something that I aspired to; however, this is what I have chosen, or this is a result of what I've chosen.

I choose him. To be with him in whatever way that we can be together. Boundaries have shifted and sometimes are fuzzy. To even write his name here would mean destroying these pages. If something should happen to me, I'm not sure who would be the ones to sort through my life. I can never take a chance of revealing in hard copy any detail of our relationship because no matter what, she must never know.

Everyday brings some kind of emotional quandry. Jealousy, envy, love..... of her and for her. Wanting to pull away and wanting to be near... to her and him, to all of them. I look at her and observe. I see things that I will never be or never have. Some sense of reason, and logic and calm that I do not possess.

I would never do anything to bring her pain or unhapiness. I would do, will do whaever is necessary to keep her from any knowledge of what I have with him. I can acknowledge that as benevolent as that sounds, I'm sure that it is more selfish and self-serving than it is benevolent.

If I allowed it, I could on any given day list a dozen reasons to what I'm doing, but there is one over-riding reason that I continue on this course: I want to continue on this course.

I know with suerty that I can live without him in my life. I know that my life would most certainly go on, but I do not want to know my life without him in it.

I thought at the beginning that it was just chance or coincidence. That we were opportunistic.. right elevator, right time. But really, I love to think that he wanted me. Not just as someone unhappy, willing and in need of adventure, but as someone that he wanted, that he saw something in me that I had forgotten about myself.

I hear nothing is a coincidence, nothing happens by chance. I hope that means that we were meant to be.

Libra's Mistress

Acting Out Old Scripts

I noticed a couple of things about myself over the last several days. Unpleasant things. Yet, unpleasant things noticed.

Before I leap off this cliff into what I noticed, I would like it to be noticed that I noticed. Imagine going through 40 years of your life totally fucked up and never noticing. This week, I noticed. Now that I've noticed, I have an opportunity to stop being totally fucked up and change the story. As in a previous post, easier blogged than done... but certainly not impossible.

So, on to what I noticed. A few weeks ago, I had a near melt down because Libra was encouraging me to look out of town for a new job. I did not want to go. I made a lot of excuses for why it wasn't a good idea. I don't want to move again. I don't want to commute very far. I don't want to be far away from Libra. A couple of days ago, I was thinking about those conversations with Libra and a thought popped into my head .... "This is you not going away to college....again."

A digression is needed for you to understand the gravity of that thought for me and why it stopped me dead in my tracks. My senior year of high school I applied to a small, private college about two hours from home. I knew many of the other students that were already attending there, and many students who would be enrolling when I was. These were kids that I spent summers with at camp and Thanksgiving weekend too. It was all planned. I was getting away from home, away from parents, just away. I was really looking forward to it. A week after I graduated from high school, I started dating a boy from my church. My first boyfriend. Almost from the first date we were inseparable. Two months later, I had cancelled all of my college plans to stay with him.

So, the situation with Libra brought all of that back up for me. My choice to throw away college on a boyfriend was a totally wrong choice for me. Not wrong because I was throwing away college, but wrong because it was about a lack of self-worth. I changed my plans because I was afraid of being forgotten, being forgettable, being replaceable. The revolting part is knowing that the girl who decided to blow off college is still in here. I still think that I'm easily forgotten, forgettable, and replaceable.

I wonder now about how many other times I've acted out this old script and made choices based on fear and a lack of self-worth. It's hard to believe that I did it 20 years ago, and then just now and not in between. What opportunities did I miss? What accomplishments have gone undone?

While in some ways I'm glad that I'm becoming more self-aware, it can be downright tedious and wearying. I still feel that I spend too much time thinking about what I don't have now and won't ever have, rather than being truly grateful for what I do have right now and all of the wonderful moments that are to come. I miss being someone's everything. I miss someone telling me that I'm the best thing that ever came into their life. I miss the days when someone only had eyes for me, only had a heart for me ... maybe I just thought that was the case. I have to ask myself if I really do need that level of attention, or if I just need to grow up and learn to be at ease being solo most of the time.

Finally, I find that the truth is not always easy to deal with. It's better than lies or silence in the long run. However, over most of my life I've practiced silence and ignoring unpleasantness so being openly truthful and hearing the truth all of the time wears on me.... from time to time. I find that telling the truth often involves me revealing or admitting to something about myself that I don't like. Listening to the truth challenges me in that perhaps one of these times there will be a truth spoken, a reality that I will not be willing to accept as part of my life. I'm afraid that it will be a toss up between drawing the line - saying that's not acceptable, or doing what I've always done - just accepted whatever was put before me and pretended that it was okay. I'm afraid that something will happen with Libra that will touch what should be my limits, and I'm going to have to choose. Will I be true to me, to who I want to be, to what I truly want? or Will I pretend that whatever he needs for himself is okay with me?

Only time will tell.

Libra's Mistress