Random Journaling

Just some random journaling from a couple months ago.

I feel compelled to do and to get certain things to make me feel like my life is stable and comfortable, and real. Being alone is not something that I aspired to; however, this is what I have chosen, or this is a result of what I've chosen.

I choose him. To be with him in whatever way that we can be together. Boundaries have shifted and sometimes are fuzzy. To even write his name here would mean destroying these pages. If something should happen to me, I'm not sure who would be the ones to sort through my life. I can never take a chance of revealing in hard copy any detail of our relationship because no matter what, she must never know.

Everyday brings some kind of emotional quandry. Jealousy, envy, love..... of her and for her. Wanting to pull away and wanting to be near... to her and him, to all of them. I look at her and observe. I see things that I will never be or never have. Some sense of reason, and logic and calm that I do not possess.

I would never do anything to bring her pain or unhapiness. I would do, will do whaever is necessary to keep her from any knowledge of what I have with him. I can acknowledge that as benevolent as that sounds, I'm sure that it is more selfish and self-serving than it is benevolent.

If I allowed it, I could on any given day list a dozen reasons to what I'm doing, but there is one over-riding reason that I continue on this course: I want to continue on this course.

I know with suerty that I can live without him in my life. I know that my life would most certainly go on, but I do not want to know my life without him in it.

I thought at the beginning that it was just chance or coincidence. That we were opportunistic.. right elevator, right time. But really, I love to think that he wanted me. Not just as someone unhappy, willing and in need of adventure, but as someone that he wanted, that he saw something in me that I had forgotten about myself.

I hear nothing is a coincidence, nothing happens by chance. I hope that means that we were meant to be.

Libra's Mistress

Acting Out Old Scripts

I noticed a couple of things about myself over the last several days. Unpleasant things. Yet, unpleasant things noticed.

Before I leap off this cliff into what I noticed, I would like it to be noticed that I noticed. Imagine going through 40 years of your life totally fucked up and never noticing. This week, I noticed. Now that I've noticed, I have an opportunity to stop being totally fucked up and change the story. As in a previous post, easier blogged than done... but certainly not impossible.

So, on to what I noticed. A few weeks ago, I had a near melt down because Libra was encouraging me to look out of town for a new job. I did not want to go. I made a lot of excuses for why it wasn't a good idea. I don't want to move again. I don't want to commute very far. I don't want to be far away from Libra. A couple of days ago, I was thinking about those conversations with Libra and a thought popped into my head .... "This is you not going away to college....again."

A digression is needed for you to understand the gravity of that thought for me and why it stopped me dead in my tracks. My senior year of high school I applied to a small, private college about two hours from home. I knew many of the other students that were already attending there, and many students who would be enrolling when I was. These were kids that I spent summers with at camp and Thanksgiving weekend too. It was all planned. I was getting away from home, away from parents, just away. I was really looking forward to it. A week after I graduated from high school, I started dating a boy from my church. My first boyfriend. Almost from the first date we were inseparable. Two months later, I had cancelled all of my college plans to stay with him.

So, the situation with Libra brought all of that back up for me. My choice to throw away college on a boyfriend was a totally wrong choice for me. Not wrong because I was throwing away college, but wrong because it was about a lack of self-worth. I changed my plans because I was afraid of being forgotten, being forgettable, being replaceable. The revolting part is knowing that the girl who decided to blow off college is still in here. I still think that I'm easily forgotten, forgettable, and replaceable.

I wonder now about how many other times I've acted out this old script and made choices based on fear and a lack of self-worth. It's hard to believe that I did it 20 years ago, and then just now and not in between. What opportunities did I miss? What accomplishments have gone undone?

While in some ways I'm glad that I'm becoming more self-aware, it can be downright tedious and wearying. I still feel that I spend too much time thinking about what I don't have now and won't ever have, rather than being truly grateful for what I do have right now and all of the wonderful moments that are to come. I miss being someone's everything. I miss someone telling me that I'm the best thing that ever came into their life. I miss the days when someone only had eyes for me, only had a heart for me ... maybe I just thought that was the case. I have to ask myself if I really do need that level of attention, or if I just need to grow up and learn to be at ease being solo most of the time.

Finally, I find that the truth is not always easy to deal with. It's better than lies or silence in the long run. However, over most of my life I've practiced silence and ignoring unpleasantness so being openly truthful and hearing the truth all of the time wears on me.... from time to time. I find that telling the truth often involves me revealing or admitting to something about myself that I don't like. Listening to the truth challenges me in that perhaps one of these times there will be a truth spoken, a reality that I will not be willing to accept as part of my life. I'm afraid that it will be a toss up between drawing the line - saying that's not acceptable, or doing what I've always done - just accepted whatever was put before me and pretended that it was okay. I'm afraid that something will happen with Libra that will touch what should be my limits, and I'm going to have to choose. Will I be true to me, to who I want to be, to what I truly want? or Will I pretend that whatever he needs for himself is okay with me?

Only time will tell.

Libra's Mistress

Then & Now

Libra and I have had some interesting conversations lately.

A couple of times, he's brought up this question: What would things be like if we had found each other before we married other people? I told him that's not the way things went for us. That I can't dwell on what things would have been like for me with him in my life. He said I didn't have to dwell on it. I told him that if I think about it for long, I would inevitably dwell on it. It's not possible for me to comprehend my life without the last 20 years of heartache. I would be a completely different person now. Knowing how I feel about myself and my life and my future now, thanks more than just in part to Libra ... I can only dream of what I would have accomplished in the last 20 years with him beside me. Changing the past is not an option now, so I have to stay away from what it would have been like.

Okay, so I am crying now, but wait.... I'm happy. They're not really happy tears, but I'm still happy. The future looks a whole lot more hopeful than it did 9 months ago, or even 6 months ago. I don't feel that old familar panicky feeling when I think about the future. It's all still unknown, but I don't feel afraid or hopeless. That's a major change for me.

Being afraid....brings me to the next topic that Libra and I talked about this week. I don't even remember how we got on the topic of when I had last seen my husband, but I ended up telling Libra that there was oral sex involved. Libra had a strange look on his face and asked me why I didn't tell him. I wasn't really sure how to answer. Now that I've had time to think about it, I know the answer. I didn't think that I was important enough to Libra to warrant telling him. There were even moments when I thought that Libra expected that I would go back to my husband, as if he didn't think that I could make it.

We had another conversation similar in topic and I was really surprised to learn how differently Libra and I saw "us" back at the time that I split from my husband. I was, on a lot of days, just waiting for the day that Libra would break up with me. Too much effort, too much drama, too much baggage. That first month was very, very difficult and emotional for me. I went from living with my entire family to being alone. On top of that, there were intense emotions and feelings that I had for Libra. It really did feel horrible at times... I felt like I loved him way more than he would ever love me. That meant that I had to reign in my emotions, and true to form do something semi-destructive like see my husband. If I didn't make Libra my everything, then maybe it would hurt less when he was done with me. Anyway, Libra tells me that at that time he loved me. I told him I remember that's what he said, but I didn't take that to mean that he wanted to be with me for anything length of time.

I was so scared of losing myself in another man that might hurt me that I didn't see that when Libra said that he loved me he meant it. Three months after the split and not really believing Libra would stick around, I did for a couple of days even entertain the notion that things could be worked out with my husband. Libra had a pretty strong reaction to that, and I was really surprised. I had no intention of giving up my thing with Libra if I got back together with my husband, but Libra was having no part of that. He told me that we would completely part ways if I went back to my husband and that we could not even be friends. Being completely without Libra just wasn't acceptable. I still didn't really think he was going to stick around for long, but I knew that I wasn't ready to give him up. I told my husband adios again.

So then Libra asks me ...now that I have him in my life, what do I want and what am I going to do? This was the question that didn't require an answer. I told him that I really hadn't thought about it that way. See, I've been expending my energy making sure that I didn't ask myself any tough or insiteful questions. But now that Libra let the question out of the bag, I started to think about how much more confident I feel about accomplishing whatever I want, and just how great if feels to know that he'll be with me. Not that I need him to do anything for me, or even help me with whatever I want to accomplish (although I know that he will if I need him to), but there's a secure feeling knowing that he will at the very least simply be present for me and with me. This may seem basic and rudimentary to some, but for me this was a profound moment of self-realization.

Things have changed with us over the last couple of months, or it feels to me like it has changed. Maybe I just caught up to where Libra was already. It's like I have one of those "you are here" maps to Libra with a little arrow pointing to where I'm at, to where I belong. It's the ultimate happy place. I get to be me, be loved and love Libra. Turns out that "Us" is so much more than I ever dreamed we would be.

Libra's Mistress

The Ritual

I really need to blog more often, or at least when there's a lot happening with Libra and Me. Over the last few weeks, there has been a lot happening.

There have been moments when I'm certain that things are going to massively change, and when it's done we won't be as close. Sometimes, I'm wrong. Imagine that!! It's probably just my twisted little psyche and my crappy (but getting better) self-esteem fucking with me.

We went to a funeral for a family member of one of Libra's friends. I didn't know Libra's friend well. I had met him only briefly at a party at Libra's house, and had exchanged a couple of emails. I wasn't planning on going to the funeral even though I wanted to, as I wasn't sure if it was even appropriate. (We still have to be careful about where we're seen together, go together, meet up, etc...) Libra told me that he was going with one of his family members, so I left it at that. Then a few days before the funeral, he asked if I was going. So I went.

It was probably the nicest and happiest funeral I've ever been to. It was obvious to even me, a stranger, that this man was well loved by all that he knew. He was a family man married to the same woman for many years. People spoke of how he cared for his family and friends and how he always made time for them. He was a family man. I sat there listening and couldn't help but wonder what effect the discourse was having on Libra. (Yes, I was actually sitting at someone's funeral thinking about myself. I would usually feel very guilty about that, but I just can't be self-centered and guilt ridden at the same time. I know...I have issues.) I couldn't help thinking that day things were going to change with he and I. I thought that he might, upon this man's passing....someone he had known most of his life, feel some urge to separate from me and expend whatever time and energies he gives me back to his family....his wife and children. I certainly would not blame him for a decision like that or hold it against him. At that moment sitting in the funeral, the thought of him devoting all to her and them didn't even make me upset. It was more a feeling of resignation. As if it is the natural conclusion to our story.

Later that night, however, things seemed to take an unexpected turn. I wish that I could figure out what precipitates these particular turns, but so far I'm in the dark. I saw Libra at work that night for an hour or so. When he was on his way, he called me on my cell; which he usually does now. He started off by telling me about a fantasy that he has. He's sitting in the chair in his bedroom. I bring a man into the room. The man is not allowed to speak at all. I fuck the man. If the man speaks even one word, he's made to leave. When we're done fucking, he leaves.

Libra and I had a conversation earlier about me wanting to invite another man over on a night when we had invited 2 other women over (sounds like a party!!). Even though I was the one that brought the subject up and had even talked to a man that I had in mind, I found myself not really wanting to have sex with another man. First, Libra is the most exquisite lover that I have ever had, and I can't begin to imagine any other man ever pleasing me the way that he does. Why bother with another man when I'm getting what I need from the one that I already have? Then there's the emotional factor. I love Libra and don't like the thought of another man's dick in my pussy.

Women.....now that's a different story. I don't really have any desire to be in a relationship with a woman, but I'm still very interested in the sexual experimentation. Also, I found it very erotic watching Libra fuck the woman that I brought home not too long ago. I found myself mildly jealous when he was having a conversation with her, but watching him fuck her was great.

So back to our conversation on Libra's way home from work. Libra tells me about his fantasy and then says that he's starting to feel selfish with me. And, he feels bad about that since I allow him to be with other women. Then he asks me.... Can't we do something....to show that we are more..... Get married under fake names, do some sort of ritual or something? I told him Yes, if that's really what he wants to do. He told me that he wouldn't keep brining it up if it wasn't what he really wanted to do. The thought of doing something like that thrilled me... not legally binding, illegal, informal or otherwise. I have to ask myself what it really would mean. We would be the only ones to know. I could never tell anyone. I wouldn't be able to share my hapiness with anyone but Libra. It would be another secret for me to keep. Whether or not we ever do anything like that, it still made me feel so good that he wants to do it, and that he told me. And since we weren't having sex when he said it, I know it wasn't fuck talk. :-)

He also told me that night that if he had met me a long time ago, and that if I was anything then like I am now, that he would have loved me to death. He told me that I would never have had to go through everything that I've been through with Idiot #1 (that's what we call me 1st husband) or Idiot #2 (that's what we call the husband that I'm divorcing now). So many days I've gone to sleep wondering what my life would have been like if Libra had found me sooner.

I don't feel comfortable going into all the details, but suffice it to say that Libra, very shortly thereafter, came up with a plan for us to escape for a weekend and do this "we're more" thing. I'm still not sure of when it will be or what exactly we're doing, but it's been nice thinking about it. Since I'm never certain of what our future will be, I do my best to take each moment that we spend together and make it sacred and special.

I read about an old ritual in Scotland..the left-handed Handfast. The left-handed Handfasting was done between the nobleman and his Mistress. This was opposed to the right-handed Handfasting between the nobleman and his wife. The Mistress gained none of the legal benefits of the traditional Handfasting. She did gain the protection of the nobleman, and her children would have the same status as the children of the wife. Well I don't exactly need protection, and we're not having any children, but I still do find the whole Handfasting concept to be quite interesting.

I haven't spent much time with the Libras lately, and I miss it. Just laughing and talking. Watching TV. Just Being...with them. There are nights when I still wish I could just go over to their house, crawl into bed with Mr. and Mrs. Libra, and drift off to sleep.

In my dreams
Libra's Mistress

Tough Conversations and Tears

There has been more than one tough conversation over the last several weeks. Learning to communicate effectively with a man is, for me, no small feat. Some days I just don't know where we're going, and that's probably because we're not really going anywhere. This thing that we have just is what it is. It is right now what it most likely will always be. The dynamics between Libra and I change all the time, but the logistics will always be the same. It's them. The Libras. Mr. and Mrs. .... and then there's me.

I do from time to time, and more than I should, push out of my mind that he belongs to her, and she to him, and they to one another. It is of no consequence good or bad if I feel that my heart belongs to him, because his heart is not and will not ever be fully mine. I wonder at times if I or we are just prolonging the inevitable. That being making a conscious choice to alter this relationship, to end the sexual relationship and attempt to protect the friendship and the working relationship.

Because of circumstances that I have put myself in, every part of my life feels out of control... out of my control. Because it is MY life, I'm the only one that can right things and put them as they should be. I'm looking for a different job. Things are not going well for me at work. In addition to my personal issues with work is the fact that some people know about Libra and me, some people think they know, some people thought they knew and then changed their minds. At any rate, it's uncomfortable at work from time to time. What would normally be seen as innocent conversation, or simple interaction between co-workers is suspect. So it's time for me to go elsewhere.

I'm not used to putting myself first, or thinking about my own welfare. At times Libra pushes me in that direction and it gives me the most horrible feeling. It brings up attitudes and impulses... old attitudes and impulses... that I hate and am not sure are healthy. Push me a little and I want to run. Be aloof ....and it doesn't even have to be about me... and I'm ready to turn you off like a light switch. I'm faced right now with making changes that can be good for me personally, and singley, but my changes and choices will dramatically affect the time that Libra and I have together. He tells me that we will have quality time, not quantity, but I want both. Right now we work shifts that allow us the option of spending a good part of the day together almost every week day. When I change jobs, I will probably be on an opposing shift and we will have very, very little time together. Honestly, I don't see when we will have any time together. Libra tells me that I cannot make choices based on "us", and I know in my head that he is right. He tells me that I'm afraid of change and of the unknown, and I try to deny it. But, I know that he's right. In fact, I'm terrified. He suggested even that I look for a job out of town. That hurt. It went through me like a knife, even though I know that he didn't intend for it to. It feels and sounds like he's just hell bent on making me leave, go away, live my own life.

I should just be thankful for all of the extra time that we've had together for the last couple of months, and go on with my life. Easier said than done. The truth of the matter is that my normal reaction would be to stay at the shitty job and keep the schedule that I have just so I could have that time with him. What does that say about me, and will this ever not be my normal m.o.?

Right now, I just want to pick up and leave here. I want to run away. I want a thousand miles of physical space between us to be the reason that we can't be together. I want any other reason other than the true reason... that I'm just not worth sacrificing anything. On the flip, as I've said before.. I don't want him to leave her. I don't want him to leave his family. My intellect completely understands why things must be this way. But, it doesn't make my heart stop longing for him. I want to go back home to the state where I came from a good number of years ago. I want to visit a couple of old friends. Not tell them any of this. Just be with them like we used to be. Uncomplicated. Fun. Skinny dipping drunk. Breakfast on the beach. Walks downtown. My stress level is pretty high right now, and I so very much want and absolutely need a break. How far would I have to go and how long would I have to stay gone to get over Libra or at least get some perspective on MY life? I'm not sure what the answer is, but I know I've been at this crossroads before or one very like it. Sometimes I just have to let some things quietly fade away. Let the intensity fade before it overwhelms me.

Libra saw a segment on a morning show the other day about women that have affairs with married men. I asked him what they said. He told me that it wasn't fair to me, and said "How can I say that I love you and not give you my all?" He asked me to promise him that when I'm ready to move on that I will just tell him. He told me that he thinks I'm worth more, and asked me if I thought I was worth more. I answered "yes". More will never come to me, I'll never find more or have more while I'm still standing on this spot pining away over something that will never be. I asked him what he thought the worst and best case scenarios were for us. His answers were very different from the ones in my head. His worst was Mrs. Libra finding out and separating from him. His best was Mrs. Libra and I developing a relationship that would allow the three of us to be together. At that moment more than any other thus far I realized how very much he loves her. He loves her more. She is his life. She will be with him all his life. She is truly the priority. Me.... I'm an option. I don't mean that in a harsh way, but I do mean it in a realistic way. Reality does in fact bite, at least some of the time.

My worst case scenario - being completely separated from Libra. My best case scenario - being with Libra, sharing a life together. Selfish on my part .... Yes. But it's honest. I didn't tell him my worst and best. He tried to ask me but I squirmed out of answering by saying that I asked him first.

After all these months, I know who I am with Libra. Now, it's just time to find out who I am.

I layed in their bed yesterday to take a nap before I went to work. I cried on her pillow. Then, I turned over and cried on his pillow. Quietly, calmly, resolutely. Then I went to sleep.

Libra's Mistress

The Magic Paging System & Music To My Ears

Crappy things sometimes happen on days that really aren't so bad. I had an unwanted conversation today with my estranged husband, and I told him that it would be our last. I told him never to contact me again, and that our only communication would from my lawyer. Sadly, the short conversation hit me sideways, woke me out of a great sound sleep, and left me crying. I hated that it made me cry. I don't want to ever waste another tear on that man.

Here's the cool magic paging part. Just as I'm trying to pull myself together, wishing that I could just talk to Libra for a minute (on Sundays, I normally don't call him), just to hear his voice, my phone rang. It was Libra. Just to hear his voice was so comforting to me at that moment. He didn't ask me if anything was wrong, and I really didn't want to let on that anything was wrong. He asked me to do something with his family, but I declined. I really wanted to see him, but I didn't think I'd be great company. I was tired, and honestly not in the mood to see him with his wife. Most times, it doesn't bother me at all. Then there are times when it feels like a knife, and today would most definitely have been one of those days.

It's not unusual for him to call me at those "strange" moments. I can't tell you now many times I've awakened from a sound sleep, picked up my cell phone to see if he has called, and have the phone ring in my hand.... Libra calling me. I've never had that kind of connection with anyone else. Some people might say that it's simply a coincidence. Just for the record, I don't really like those people.

Now, on to that which is the music to my ears. For the last week or so, I've been feeling so insecure where it comes to Libra. Wondering if he's tiring of me, bored, uninterested. I've felt like I was right on the verge of getting more emotional than I really wanted to. I'm not sure why this is....could be for a lot of different reasons ranging from going off meds that I probably should have been taking, chronic lack of sleep over the last month catching up with me, or just basic baggage-induced, garden-variety insecurity.

Libra came over to my apartment the other day and I asked for a kiss to which he replied "No." I ended up getting some fabulous sex (which is worth writing about, and I will), but I was still pissed off about not getting what I asked for. A kiss. In my mind, a kiss is incredibly more intimate than any kind of fuck, bar none. So refusing to kiss me was at that moment, for me, a loss of intimacy. All in my mind, people...all in my twisted little mind.

At any rate, I've been struggling with this all week. Tonight, I'm at work late and we chat on the net. We had a discussion that wasnt' all sunshine, which I'm getting so much better with. The more we have non-sunshine discussions the easier and more comfortable they get for me. Here's a little transcript of us wrapping things up.

LIBRA: you are a pleaser i know that. you are a fixer i know that but you don't have to please me to have me. you've already got me...im not going anywhere. do you realize just how lucky i am to have you in my life. even if only as a friend but then there is the sex and love that we share and what else could I ask for?
LIBRA: I love you so much
me: I love it when you say that
LIBRA: thank you for being mine......
me: and i love you too! I am yours!!!
LIBRA: good night......
me: nite baby

Music to my ears.

Libra's Mistress

Control, Information, Torture....Why Not Me?

I haven't yet written much about the time that I spend with the Libra family. I spend a fair amount of time with them...dinners, watching tv shows, just hanging out. I know that some of you will see this as completely distasteful, at the least; but since you're not living my life or walking in my shoes, your distaste is not much of a concern to me. No apology for my actions or choices is forthcoming.

Before I get into the actual subject matter for this post, I'm going to fully digress into my past. I'm going to talk about the things I do in an attempt to control the completely uncontrollable, and the strange ways that I try to justify and reconcile the choices that I make.

About a million years ago, actually a little more than a decade ago, my first husband and I separated for a short period of time. A man who wished to remain nameless called me to report that my husband was fucking a girl at work. This wouldn't be the first time I received a call like this. It wouldn't be the first time either that my first husband had cheated on me, but it would be the second to the last. I don't remember even confronting him about it. I just gathered some of my belongings and the kids and rented a place a few miles away.

Within days, he had moved his tramp into OUR house, and tried to hide it from me. He wasn't very good at lying or deceiving me, and I sometimes wished that he had been. After about a month he wanted me back even though she was still living in our house. I told him to get rid of her, and he faltered. I said "What did you do this time...get her pregnant?" His response....eyes to the floor and silence.

Of all the times that he had cheated on me, I hung on to the fact that I was the one that bore his children. Just me. Only me. Now....game over. It was quite a crushing blow for me. He didn't know what to do, didn't know how to handle it. He didn't want to continue his relationship with her, but was upset at the thought of his child growing up and not knowing him.

This is where the control fanatic in me kicked in. "We can handle this. If you want to be a part of this child's life, then we'll make it happen." He promised like so many other times that he would be faithful. He said that he loved me. He said that he wanted to be with me. He said that he missed the kids. Any sense of self-preservation or anger that I felt...wait....I had no sense of self-preservation or anger. I just took him back. He kicked her out, and the kids and I went home.

I don't remember much about the rest of that year, except the depression that slowly crept in. Any sense of happiness, security, peace or confidence that I was cherished just eroded away until I was barely functional. My husband changed his mind about being involved in his child's life and stopped speaking to Ms. Tramp. It was a very confusing time. What an understatement!

When Fall came, my husband's best friend who was also friends with Ms. Tramp called to let my husband know that his son had been born. My husband didn't go to the hospital, but I, determined to torture and punish myself, did go to the hospital. I even took gifts!! I knew that she had nothing, and why should a baby go without because his mother is fucking whore. (Oops, did I type that?) Now, I know that some will say that all babies look the same, but that baby boy looked like a combination of my two youngest children. I remember staring at him as if his very existence was some message that I had done something wrong, not done something right, and deserved to be punished.

After she took the baby home to her mother's, I would go there on my lunch hour and take diapers and formula and clothes. I took her on errands. I took her shopping. It became obvious to me FINALLY that she was just letting me come around because she wanted money. Imagine that!! When the baby was about three months old, I gracefully made my exit.

When my family and friends heard what I had been doing, oh how they praised me. Praised me for being so selfless, so gracious, so kind. They didn't know that it was none of the above. It was all about control, information, and torture. It was about me trying to exert control over something that was completely and totally out of my hands. It was about me trying to stay informed. It was about me trying to find answers to questions, answers that I really didn't want to know. What did this girl have that I didn't have? How was this girl going to continue disrupting my life? How would I ever tell my children about this? When would I tell my children about this? What was wrong with me? Why couldn't he just love me? I didn't want to be left in the dark, and I didn't trust anyone to tell me the truth. It wasn't a good thing, not even for a moment. It took me a very long time to fully realize what I had done, and what I had done to myself.

I realized at some point that it's okay to have limitations, and to admit that you have them. It would have been completely acceptable for me to have told my husband, "I can't help you with this. You're on your own." It would have been perfectly acceptable for me to never have spoken to Ms. Tramp, to never have layed eyes on her child. A therapist that I went to some time later gave me a very simple thing to practice: Take the pointer fingers of both your hands and draw a little box in the air. Then with a smile, say "that's not my problem". I love that!!

Fast forward to now and me spending time with the Libra family. The situation is very, very different as are my motivations. But, in the end it seems to again be about the same things: control, information, and to some level - torturing myself.

First, the control factor. Basically, I have none. Well, even that's not totally true. I have control over my choices, and actions. I do have the ability to choose not to spend time with their family, but I don't exercise that choice. I think there are several reasons for not exercising that choice. I miss my own family. I miss the days when my children were young. I mourn the fact that my first husband was not present physically and emotionally for my children. I love watching the Libra's with their children. I mourn the fact that I will not ever in my lifetime have the family life that they have. I'm beginning to feel like a parasite soaking up the beauty that I feel in their home.

Second, the information factor. The key piece of information that I get everytime that I spend time with them is this: the Libras are a family, a unit, a team, and I will never be a part of that team, or split the team (don't misunderstand...I would never, ever want to split the team). They treat me like family, which is a blessing and a curse. Spending time with them is an in-my-face, crystal clear,unavoidable reminder, a slap-in-the-face if you will, of what is real, factual and true.

Lastly, the torture factor. This is the factor that I understand the least about, and I often wonder about its meaning, what it means to me, what it says about me: That I would so long to be near Libra, that I would spend those hours in his home with him and his family. Reminding myself of what I cannot have. Not just what I cannot have with Libra, but what I will never have with anyone. And that's not just a fatalist attitude. It's steeped in many real factors: my age, infertility issues, the fact that the only man I want to be with now is with someone else and isn't having more children. So, I push down, squash, squelch, and bury inside me all of the emotions and thoughts that would keep me from Libra even if it means being so near to what will never be actual in my life.

Now to the title of this post "Why Not Me?". It's probably the most selfish question that I can ask. I've been quite selfish for awhile now, so a selfish question is not much of a surprise. Why couldn't I have been in that right place, at that right time to meet Libra? Why not me? I know why not me now. But, why not me then? You know they say there's a reason for everything. The way I'm feeling right now...FUCK whoever "they" are, and fuck the fucking reason whatever the fuck it is.

Finally, back to limitations and admitting to them. I wonder if or at what point this affair will press up to my limitations. If or when will it begin to tax my patience, my want to possess someone, to hurt beyond what I can bear. What pains me the most at this moment is knowing that if I had to press him to make a choice or walk.... I would be walking. It's like... don't ask a question that you don't really want to know the answer to. Don't ask someone to do something that you're not sure they can do for you. Sad but safe. I know that he has limitations, too. If I never ask for more, I'll never have to know whether he just can't give, or if he won't give.

Libra's Mistress